What? You thought I would only post once on Thursday of Plagiarism Week ’09? How can I possibly post just once when Thursday is Blog Culture Box Day?

Now that we have that out of the way…

If it’s hard to read, click image to bigify

Thanks to Becky, Becky, Becky and Bec for participating in something dangerous and intellectually reprehensible.

What about you? Please leave your comments in the… um… comments:

1. Who is the most famous Rebecca?

2. John Stamos? Or Jerry O’Connell?

3. Finish this sentence: the best Alfred Hitchcock movie is…

4. What is your favorite Beck song?

If you’d like to participate in a future Blog Culture Box, leave Brandon a comment and let him know.

A while back we went to a studio to have professional pictures of our family done — as a Hanukah gift to my Dad. He absolutely loved the pictures of everyone, including this adorable one of his four grandchildren:

(click for larger image)

From left to right: A is almost 10, S is 7, Av, whom you’ve seen before, is 6, and T is 4. The girls are all my brother’s; to quote Brandy and Monica, “That boy is mine.”

Gotta say — My Dad has some photogenic grandchildren.

List on the 3s lives!  If it’s a date with a 3 in it, it’s a list from Shiny.

Just because I didn’t do a recap of 2008 doesn’t mean I need to steer clear of the Resolutions and Goals people often make at the beginning of the new year…

Oh — and remember: these are just suggestions. I hope to fulfil all of them. If I don’t? Well, nobody’s perfect.  I can only do the best I can.

My Top 8 Resolutions/Goals for 2009

8. I will have no Christmas decorations still up by the end of this weekend.

(cc) Amber Rhea - http://flickr.com/photos/amberlrhea/

Don’t you hate it when neighbors simply procrastinate to no end and, by the time it’s 90 degrees out, there’s still a nativity scene baking in the hot sun? Or tho Christmas lights on a timer which come on when there’s still a good four hours of sunlight left? Wholly inappropriate. I will not be one of those people this year. Come tomorrow evening — not a Christmas light or decoration on the exterior of my house. And inside? Not even a stray pine needle.

True — this may be slightly easier for me since, as a Jew, I don’t celebrate Christmas, nor do I have any Christmas decorations to start with.  But I feel that I should start off small-scale and give myself an easy task out of the gate.

7.  I will [do my best to] post every single day.

This is a far loftier goal than #8.  And I’ve noticed that once things in my life get busier — the blog becomes neglected. That being said — I want to get to as close to 365 posts in 2009 as possible.  Some of them may not be very long. My Lists on the 3s certainly will be whacked down in size.  But at least there will be some sort of consistency — which will allow people to not wonder if I’ve fallen off the face of the Earth.

Of course — I can promise you that I’ll likely include more pre-made memes and enlist guest bloggers. Be warned: I’ll be whining for volunteers when things get busy…

6.  I will break up with either “24″ or “Heroes” in 2009. This is a tough one: I’ve loved both shows since their inceptions.  I’m still interested in their respective storylines, and there are even some wonderful new developments that interest me more this year.  With “24″ being centered locally (in Washington, DC), will the show speak more to me? And with some sneaky spoilers by a “Heroes” castmember I happen to follow on Twitter, I’m intrigued by some of the new ideas for this year — also by the rumored return of Bryan Fuller to the writing staff.

However — and it really pains me to say this — both shows have really treated me like poop lately. This past Fall I simply watched Heroes to see if it it would get any better. Week after week I found the answer to be no. And “24″ — it’s just not the same without Jack Bauer’s daughter running through the woods and getting eaten by a bear.

Then again — I’m certainly not against dropping “Lost” if it starts getting too weird. I’m reminded of a wonderful television show, “Alias,” which started out so beautifully and then started to suck so hard — but I watched every single excrutiating episode to see what would happen at the end.

I’m just happy that I’ve already broken up with CSI:Miami.

5.  I will take at least one leisurely bike ride in 2009. This one might seem pretty straightfoward and easy. I mean — one bike ride? Shouldn’t be so tough, right?

Well no — until you factor in two shockin truths:

(a) I do not presently own a bicycle.

(b) in my 36 years on this planet, I have never learned to ride a bike.

Some of you may be wondering how the hell that happened. Others are probably engaged in sighs of relief. Because you know — no bike = no bike shorts. And there’s an image we can do without.

But it boils down to this: my son is six years old. I want to buy him a proper bike and teach him how to ride. And if he gets one, I get one. Granted, I’ll be the one with the training wheels.  But by the end of the summer? I’m hoping we can both ride.

4. I will stay the hell out of Washington, DC on January 20 when our next president is inaugurated. I’m usually a pretty political person. Living in this city will do that to you. However, I’m happy to announce that I do have work that day — and my son will be one of the few in the area who has school that day.  That’s fine by me!  The expected crowds, gridlock and road closures will want me to be as far away from the Capitol as possible.

My commute will certainly be a bitch that day, though…

3.  As much as my friends might attempt to coerce me to do so — usually with the usual “We’re all doing it!” peer pressure tactics that usually get to me year after year, I resolve not to get a clit piercing in 2009.  If this makes me a total prude, so be it.

2. I will sing karaoke in 2009. Haven’t done it since 2006, haven’t done it before that one inebriated evening, either.  I’m not going to promise this, but if any of my loyal readers are with me when there is an opportunity to do karaoke to a Terence Trent d’Arby song of your choice — I will. No questions asked.  Respect always to the T-T-d to the apostrophe A…

1.  I will give up on saying “Awww Yeah” in 2009.

This one will likely be the most difficult to keep. I use Awww Yeah as a crutch of sorts.   I suppose I felt I could do it for the comedic value — primarily after it was made acceptable by the likes of Barry and Lavon.  But I think it’s time for me to stop saying this repeatedly when there’s simply nothing else left to say.

Which sucks because I sound so damn good saying it! Have a listen:

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I did, however, grant myself a smooth, cool replacement for Awww Yeah. I was thinking to myself: what exudes the same confirmation and acknowledgement in such a non-chalant way? What phrase could I use which allows me to be responsive but ultra-slick and hyper-savvy?

And I figured out that there was only one word that would work. And it was a word that deserved repeating.

So — my new phrase for 2009 is Right right.

I’ve recorded a sample of me uttering this newest phrase for you as well:

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Hopefully I’ll get a bit better as time goes by.

Happy New Year to all. I wish you the best with your goals and resolutions for 2009.

Six years and about twenty hours ago we had no clue that this day would happen.

In fact, it was the Saturday night before. We hadn’t entirely unpacked from our trip to Orlando — where we had volunteered as staff for our annual youth group international convention for which we volunteer every year. socKs’s doctor said she could fly that week — and why not? She still had at least four more weeks to go. And we’re certainly not the type to be early for anything!  We had, however, gone to Home Depot — so we could finally paint the baby’s room. Something we wanted to do before he or she was born. (We still didn’t know.) We had taped up the molding already, getting prepared for a long day ahead of us for painting. Oh — and shopping for essentials. No way in hell we would be that frazzled couple who wasn’t prepared.

Sunday went slightly differently than planned.

I’m not quite sure how much of it I remember vividly, how much of it was a sleep-deprived blur, and how much of it was a euphoric high. What I do remember was that (a) I got an amazing parking space right next to the hospital in downtown DC, and (b) several hours later I was a Dad.  I even was able to cut the umbilical cord! It was a movement so meaningful and precise — something that just came naturally to me. Just as naturally as our Saturn SC-1 slid into that parking space on New Hampshire Avenue, NW betweem Washington Circle and I Street.

And now he’s six.  Can you believe that? Six.

He shares his age with the name of a character played by Jenna von Oy.

At first I couldn’t imagine him changing nearly as much as he did in his first trip around the sun. But every year he simply doesn’t cease to amaze me. Sure — he gets on my last nerve at times. He certainly tires out his parents.  But he’s also become this — this person. A lot of the time he just gets it. He certainly has a sense of humor not unlike that of myself and socKs.  He can be quite the serious little man at times. And at other times? He can have fun — whether with others or by himself.

Six years!  He’s been on this earth longer than that “Two and a Half Men” show. And hopefully he’ll remain so for much, much longer.

Happy birthday, Av. Thanks for raising us well. Keep up the good work.

“It says there’s no smacking here!”

I’m on the airplane next to the almost six year-old. He’s a pretty good flyer — now that he’s old enough to help carry his own stuff, go to the bathroom in the terminal, and entertain himself. Now that he’s reading anything and everything, it also makes things more interesting as we can occupy his time more constructively by having him look for our gate and our rows on the plane.

While we were taxiing and waiting to take off, he mentioned the rule about no smacking. I looked in front of him at the latch of his tray-table, at the time upright, and saw the words. He was pretty close. Oh — and he recognized “seat belt.”

And I told him just that. And explained that the word is “smoking” and that people couldn’t do that on the plane. Although the no smacking idea wasn’t necessarily a bad one.

Then he asked me the inevitable question: “Dad, what’s smoking?”

And, of course, I told him. “Smoking involves taking a cigarette, lighting it, and sucking on it a bit. Kind of like a lollipop. Or an ice cream popsicle. And you look really cool when you smoke because you appear all grown up. And believe you me — the girls totally put out for a guy with a pack of Camels…”

Well, no. Not quite that. It’s a nice question to hear. Neither His mom nor I smoke. Same goes for his grandparents, his uncles and aunts and other close relatives. Restaurants around here are smoke-free, and we don’t let him go to cigar bars (except on weekends). School is smoke-free; so are his favorite TV shows on PBS, Noggin and Disney. There aren’t any smokers in the movies or books he chooses, either.

I remember when I asked my mom about the “no drinking and driving” sticker in her 1972 Dodge Coronet I would ride in at around the same age. I didn’t quite get the concept of alcoholic beverages because we simply didn’t have anything to drink at home where the beverage habits of the adults were different from us kids. Every Friday night we would have a very, very, very small amount of wine for Kiddush* and that was it. My parents didn’t drink beer or other alcohol, nor did they drink caffienated coffee. (We were allowed decaf — but didn’t like it until much later.)

So — my mom told me about some stuff that adults sometimes drank that made them sleepy. Like medicine. I didn’t quite understand why people would take medicine if they weren’t sick — especially since I was told earlier that too much medicine (probably something yummy like Dimetapp).

She probably did a pretty good job at the time. Better, I think, that my grandmother did. A tough lady from Brooklyn, I recall reading one of her phone books when I was about eight. (I was a weird kid.) In the introductory section there was a reference to what to do when reporting crimes to the police, and there was a word I bad never seen before. When I asked my grandma what “rape” meant, I was told that it was “when a woman gets beaten up.” I suppose it wasn’t a bad spontaneous answer for someone my age…

I told him what smoking was – it’s something that sometimes people do with their mouths. Kind of like when I chew gum. Except smoking is less healthy for the people around the smoker than chewing gum is for those in the vacinity. Both are not allowed in certain places (school, synagogue, for example) and some people don’t like the mess made by both. It used to be that smoking was allowed in more places, but since then people started to realize that it wasn’t very good for people so they decided to make rules prohibiting it on flights in the USA.

I also told him that we, his parents, do not smoke — nor do his grandparents. And that the people who own the house get to make the rules about if smoking is allowed.

I didn’t have time to campaign to him not to start smoking. Maybe that’s for another day…

I can’t wait for him to ask me about roofies…

“List on the 3s” is a meme which Shiny has chosen carefully for YOU! After plenty of market research, he’s discovered that 71% of his readership prefer him to come up with random lists on any date that has a 3 in it.  That’s why you’ll see one of these “List on the 3s” come up every so often.

But not today.

However — if you’re going through List on the 3s withdrawal, you can point yourselves to Snackie’s World for a very special Christmas-themed List authored by the two of us.  Yes — a Christmas post co-authored by the Jewish guy.  I guess this means that my 15% discount card for Mandelstein’s Kosher Meat and Judaica will likely be revoked imminently…

List on the — no, wait. different day, different meme:

* I’m feedburnin’! I’ve finally decided to get on the Feedburner bandwagon. This is my first post since I changed over to it (and redirected my original RSS feed to it), so hopefully everyone who is already subscribed to the old feed is reading this just fine. If not — I’ll need to do some tweaking to figure out what I did wrong.

I know this will sound a whole lot like “Raise your hand if you can’t hear me,” but if you happen to be reading this and you know that something’s not working, please let me know in the comments. Thanks much.

* Obscure Jewish holiday alert! This past week something very trivial to the majority of Jews in the world occurred: we switched to the rainy season from the not-so-rainy season. And the momentous day in the Jewish calendar when this occurred? December 5.

Yes. December 5. This could very well be the only occurrence in the Jewish prayer book where a Gregorian date is used. Everything else is done on the Jewish calendar. In fact, the not-so-rainy season occurs between Passover (whose date varies in the Gregorian calendar) and December 4. This has always interested me — because why did they decide on December 4?

So I looked it up online. And there’s a great justification of it. And by great I mean that there are about twenty-seven steps to derive the date — which went through a major change in the sixteenth century when eleven days magically disappeared from the calendar. And after the year 2300 the prayerbook is going to have to change — as the date in question will be upped to December 6.

And all it means is that during the standard weekday regimen of prayers, three more words are added that have to do with moisture. Whee!

* I just saw Wall*E today for the first time. I’m a fan of the rest of the Disney/Pixar films. Our son is a big fan of Toy Story and Cars. I’ve wanted to see this film since it was in the theater since I had heard truly wonderful things.

This film was very different from the other Pixar feature length films. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that there is no dialogue for the first twenty minutes. And after that? The interaction is so incredibly visual in nature. The creators experiment with sound in a way that hasn’t been done before in a feature length Pixar film.

In fact — I would say that this film ressembles an animated Pixar short film — supersized to feature length.

It’s still very, very, very, very good. I need to watch it again as my first time was with the five-year old. He wasn’t as captivated by it as I was; it was difficult for him to understand the nature of the robots, I guess. But I’ll catch it the next time around to catch the subtle nuances Pixar throws in.

* I really want to win the limited-edition box-set of Heathers - and so do you! Thanks to the generosity of Janelle of 5 Minutes Till Normal, the opportunity is out there for some lucky creature to win this incarnation of the 80s cult-classic film starring Winona Ryder and Christian Slater. Thinking back on it, it’s interesting to think about the vernacular of my high school years which was developed by the student body of Westerberg High. And the notion that someone dare approach the topic of teenage suicide with irony and satire. Not to mention — Winona Ryder as someone other than the goth chick in Beetlejuice? Hello hotness!

Anyhow — as a qualification to enter for a chance to win the limited edition box-set, I need to post a link to her blog entry. You know — to publicize the fact that she’s giving this away to one lucky reader. To increase the pool of interested parties who can win. Come to think of it — don’t go there. Or go there and don’t enter yourself in the raffle. It’s not such a great movie after all, I guess. Come to think of it, it’s a great example of an Ich lüge bad movie. So forget I said anything.
* Anyone watch SNL last night? It was a mixed bag. But some parts of it were so exciting that I jizzed in my pants:

Direct NBC Link

It’s good to see Jorma Taccone in a featured role here. (And I think that’s Akiva Schaffer as well. The three of them form The Lonely Island and are associated with SNL on the writing staff. (Except, of course, for Andy Samberg who is a full-fledged cast-member.) This may not be as strong as “Lazy Sunday” or “Dick in a Box,” but it’s a relief to see something along those same lines…

* I’m watching Leverage tonight on TNT! I even wrote a blog post about it on Snackie TeeVee. It stars Timothy Hutton and a strong supporting cast with an Ocean’s Elevenesque premise. I was able to see the pilot several months back — and it’s been the show I’ve been looking forward to the most this season.

But hey — don’t take my word for it. Wil Wheaton even tweeted about it today — he’s friends with writer John Rogers and was able to read the script. He deems it “AWESOME.” That should be good enough for anyone…

Wow — this was extremely TV heavy, wasn’t it…

“I’d be interested in seeing you write a piece on what your take on Judaism is. It could be about the religion, the culture, Jewish people, matzo ball soup — whatever you decide. I’m sincerely interested in what you might write specifically because you spent most of your life growing up in a place where there was no sizable Jewish community.”

Shiny was the first person to answer my call for guest post topics and this was his request.  The phrase that popped out at me was I’m sincerely interested in what you might write specifically because you spent most of your life growing up in a place where there was no sizable Jewish community.

In other words, he assumed I was a moron.

Now, the fact that I grew up in small town Iowa might lead you to believe that I was completely ignorant about the Jewish faith.  True, I’ve never been in or exactly seen a synagogue.  But, you cannot forget that Iowans have TV too. We know all about Adam Sandler and Jerry Seinfeld.

Also?  Fiddler On The Roof is one of my favorite musicals of all time.

Oh, yes.  I had extensive exposure to Judaism.

In fact, when I befriended my first real live and actual Jewish friend at the age of 25, I think he was quite impressed with my understanding of his faith.  He seemed to appreciate that I told him to “Mazel Tov” every morning in lieu of the much more Christian “Hello”.  It’s important to make people feel included.

I think it’s also important to pass on our tolerance to future generations.  That’s why I eagerly answered my son’s questions about the Jews and why they hated Jesus so much they hung Him on a cross.  I explained to him that Jews were pretty much just like Christians – but with a little less faith in the One True Savior.

Man, I bet Shiny is overwhelmed right now with how much knowledge I have about the Jewish Faith.

Well hold on to your yamika Shiny, because I’m about to blow your mind…

I’ve talked to Moses.

No, really.  You might not know this, but Moses actually has a website called, appropriately enough, Ask Moses. (Moses actually asked me to link to his web site.  Seriously.  Hand to God.)

What, you may ask, did Moses and I talk about?

Well, I confess that there was  time when I was a little confused about what exactly Jews believed.  Specfically, I had recently discovered that I was totally off base about Heaven and Hell and how Jews don’t believe those things even exist.

Moses helped me to understand that Jews believe in reincarnation, Gehenom and a Messiah.  Except the Messiah is something totally different than Jesus. The Jewish Messiah is more like a political figure than a saver of souls.

(Write that down – that’s actually a pretty useful fact when trying to understand Judaism and how it differs from Christianity.)

Moses also taught me about a sect of Christianity that is trying to lure Jews away from Judaism.  Of course, Moses might be a little biased in his description of the Messianic Jews.

Anyway – that’s just a little bit about what I know about The Jews.  I also know that they can’t eat dirty meat and they have a much longer Christmas than us.

You can read more about my encounter with Moses here.

(You thought I was making that up, didn’t you?)

Dateline: September 2, 2008 — 3:45pm

*ring*

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Shiny? This is Ms. Schedule. I’m your son’s Kindergarten teacher.

Ah, yes! How are you? How did the first day of school go for him?

Actually, that’s why I’m calling. We have some things to discuss.

Oh no! How is he? Is he okay? Did anyth…

Relax. He’s fine. He’s in the other room playing with an inordinate amount of Legos.

Thank goodness! I was scared there for a moment! So the day went okay after all…

Mr. Shiny — we need to talk.  There are some issues about…

But wait — you said that he’s doing fine?

Mr. Shiny, let me be clear: the problem is you.

Beg…. Beg pardon?

It began when he entered the kindergarten classroom.  The shirt he was wearing — pretty obvious that you got it from Target.  And khaki cargo shorts? Do you really want his aspirations to reach as far as being a contestant on “Deal or No Deal?”

His clothes?  He’s — he’s five!

You know, all the other five year olds had wardrobes from Armani Kids and Brooks Brothers, Too. You can’t start too early caring about your kid’s future…

So this is all about his clothing? I mean, that’s pretty trivial, isn’t it?  It’s not as if he’s causing trouble…

He raised his hand and asked if he could go potty today.

So? That’s great, right?

Potty is a word for infants, the proletariat and reality show contestants. We call it the restroom.

He’ll learn.  He’s five. FIVE! Were there any other problems?

Not unless you care that he doesn’t eat sandwiches…

Why would I care that he doesn’t eat sandwiches? I mean, we do care. Life would be easier if he were eating sandwiches. But right now? He’s starting a new school. There are a lot of new changes in his life. Why not let him become acclamated to sandwiches when he’s ready?

You know Mozart? He ate sandwiches when he was five. You know what else he did when he was five? He composed The Magic Flute.

Are you saying that we’re stunting our son’s intellectual growth because we’re not pushing him to eat sandwiches?

I’m saying that sometimes you have to think about what’s important in life. Einstein’s parents didn’t give him Finding Nemo snacks; they actually cared about their son’s future.  And you need to do the same with Adam.

Adam? Wait — our son’s name is Avi…

Wait — you’re not Adam’s dad?

No.  Avi’s Dad.  Who is Adam?

Your kid is the goofy looking one with the glasses and all the hair?

Yes!  How did he do today?

Oh — total nightmare.  He was crying for half of the day. Kicked three teachers. Threw food at lunch. His knowledge of obscenities in five different languages is shocking yet unique. A total monster.

Yikes!

Kid was dressed to the nines, though. He’ll go far in life…

Note: although the title of this post is “Sorry,” this post is not in any way an apology for not blogging lately. I apologize if this was your initial thought. Deal with it.

Our son Avi is 5 1/2 — and is at the age where he can follow the rules of some games pretty well.  So we decided to break out some of the classics to see what would stick. (Well, that’s not entirely true: at preschool he discovered the adrelinaline rush that is “Hungry Hungry Hippos” and spent a week begging for it at home. We’ve secretly bought it for him but are saving it up for a special gift-giving occasion.  Have you played this game lately? Noisy!)

He was aware of the game Chutes and Ladders already. Actually, his first exposure was a reference to it as it is referred to in the U.K. — as Snakes and Ladders (which, I believe, was the original name). He’s a fan of the BBC animated series Charlie and Lola which has since been ported to this side of the Atlantic, appearing in the Disney Channel’s morning rotation. (And he likes the books a lot).  Anyhow, he was excited to find out that we did, indeed, have Chutes and Ladders and has been enthusiastic about playing it.

With us.

For him it’s become an adventure. As he’s still enthralled with the Dinsey/Pixar movie Cars, he sees this as a giant race between two (or three, if both of his parents are playing as well) of the cars.  I don’t think he has determined that it’s a game solely based on chance — you spin the spinner, arbitrarily being assigned a number bounded by 1 and 6. You move forward that amount of spaces. If you land on a square which has been assigned a “chute” or a “ladder,” you descend or ascend per the game board. And that’s it.  The excitement comes when you land on 28 and clmb the big ladder to 84 or when you land on 87 and tumble down to 24. Or the notion that you can be ahead one moment and fall very far behind the next.

And he eats this up.  He can become excited at the sudden changes and express his emotions. But a moment later he’s ready to move on. We’ve noticed that he’s good about keeping it in perspective (“It’s only a game”) and that he doesn’t try to manipulate the rules get ahead.  He has accepted that he doesn’t have to win all the time, and I think that’s all dandy.

Last week, however, was a step up from the random world of Chutes. We decided to involve the Brothers Parker into a game with more strategy.

And that game? Sorry.

For those of you unfamiliar with Sorry, it’s a game which is mostly chance with a bit of skill thrown in. Each player (up to four) has four pieces which must make it from their starting point to “home.” Moves are determined by instructions on cards which are drawn. And if you land on another player’s piece, then Sorry! That piece is whisked back to the starting line. But since each player has four pieces in play, choices must be made: do you want to get your pieces home more quickly? Do you want to impede the process of the person ahead of you? Are you concerned about in-game retaliation? All of these become factors in the game.

And then there are the “Sorry” cards — which, if drawn, allow a player to move a piece from the starting queue onto anyone else’s piece in play, thus booting them back to Start.  This can also elicit quite a response if a player’s piece is almost home safe and all of the progress has been negated by another player.

Av is getting acclimated to this game.  The notion of multitasking all four of his pieces can be a bit tough for him — he’ll often look at just one or two and forget that his other pieces are on the board at the time — but he’ll start the process of determining the strategy of his potential choices.

Another fun part is saying, with such glee in one’s voice, Sorry! once you’ve bashed their pieces off the board and sent them back to start.  Of course, Sorry! never meant “sorry.”  It’s the tone of voice that seals the deal and grinds at the nose of one’s opponent.  I suppose even calling the game Sorry! is a bit of a misnomer. Perhaps they named it this because Parker Brothers already had a game in development called Yeah! Eat it, Bitch!

But as a I play more and more Sorry, I’m seeing the intricacies of the game. How difficult is it to be a manager of four players / pieces / pawns / employees / soldiers which are moving independently of each other and at random intervals?  What do you do if one or more of those pieces has an opportunity to advance if it means leaving the others vulnerable? At what cost do you engage the pawns of another player? Do you keep those under your watch together? Or do you simply move them one at a time through the battlefield?

Perhaps I’m thinking the game through a bit too much.  But I’m just happy that we have something active that we can do together indoors that doesn’t involve playing video games or staring at the television (or a monitor).

Just wait until he learns how to play Risk…