A little less than a week ago, a good friend posted a “redux” of a previous post called “This I Believe.” It was part of a phenomenon publicized by NPR a few years back (with roots in the 1950s attributed to Edward R. Murrow) where celebrities wrote statements of their own core values and beliefs and shared them with the rest of the world.  I’ve been intrigued by the idea for quite a while now and have wondered what I would write in such a list.  Are there truly principles of faith to which I subscribe?  Are these simply crutches from my upbringing and education over the past few decades? Is that necessarily a bad thing? Will my list totally suck?

I was wondering what I would write today after I heard the news on the radio about the shooting death of Dr. George Tiller, a gynecologist who was notorious for his support and providing of late-term abortions.  He was gunned down at his place of worship this morning.  I also read many of the comments on Facebook, blogs and news articles from people so polarized on either side of the abortion rights debate that made everything seem like unfocused, blurry yelling.  I have my own opinions on abortion, but I felt that people seemed to move beyond the core values and started drunkenly brawling for a specific team rather than simply explain their stances.  Of course, this happens all the time in public discourse, especially on the internet. But it made me think: what are my values? For what do I stand?

Which is why I give you this list — a work in progress.

This I Believe.

• I believe that people are, on the most part, good. And kind — especially to strangers. Chances are that if you were stuck somewhere without a cel phone and needed to make a quick call home for some assistance — the first person you would run into would quickly lend you his/her own if asked. I believe it’s because we, inherently, want to help others — even those for whom there is no stake in our own lives.

• At the same time, I believe we discriminate too much when not in a crisis mode. It’s much easier for us to look the other way when there isn’t a single person crying for help — even if it’s an entire community looking for assistance.  And we find more reasons not to give money to the guy asking for handouts on the side of the road than reasons to do so.

• I believe in laughing at oneself. At one’s community. Gender. Race. Sexual orientation. Body shape. One’s insecurities may still be there, but I believe that making light of oneself can put things at ease when interacting with others.

• I believe in many manifestations and paths towards what I will call “holiness.”  To me, I think of holiness as something which is set apart to be the best that it can be. Some would call this being closer to God; I don’t disagree with this explanation but I would amend that it could also be closer to humanity as well.

• I believe in miracles and in science. And I don’t believe that there is a contradiction in believing in both. The notion that a single acorn may have the blueprint for a huge tree stored in it which looks nothing like an acorn impresses me.  Just in the same way we perceive a sunset turning all sorts of colors simply because the planet happens to be rotating at a specific time and place and the atmosphere happens to have the right amount of moisture and dust in the air. And don’t forget our own optical receptors and the way our neurological systems interpret it all. There may be a good scientific explanation for it all. That doesn’t make it less miraculous.

• I believe that the overwhelming majority of us inhabiting the world are looking for some sort of connection from day one. That connection, in itself, is drive enough for most: it’s people looking for love. It’s an innate drive to nest and start a family. It’s the way a cat just wants to have its head scratched at just the right moment.

• I believe that our most profound learning experiences are our own mistakes.

• I believe that labels are often quite limiting and judgmental of people.  When a headline labels someone as an “abortion doctor,”  it’s easy to forget that this person is also someone’s parent, someone’s child and someone’s partner. It’s easy to forget that this person has also helped families bring new life into this world.  I believe that a person is not his/her profession; being asked by someone “what do you do?” is simply an excuse to slap on a label.

• I believe that, politically and religiously, very few people live (and die) at the extremes. Most people congregate in a middle-of-the-road “live and let life” mentality. Most people are not willing to hurt or kill others for a cause, and even fewer are willing to die for that cause.  It’s the acts of very, very few people which spoil it for the rest of the population.

• I believe that nobody has the exact same belief system that I do.  Most people come close, but there are always a few details which will be wholly unique.

• I believe that my alignment with Judaism was a matter of location and circumstance; had I been born on the other side of the world I probably wouldn’t be Jewish. However, this doesn’t lessen my connection to Judaism whatsoever. I believe that my connection with Judaism is moreso one of a connection with a community and traditions which have evolved and continue to evolve.

• I believe that I’m not destined to eat shellfish or bacon because of my alignment with Judaism. I don’t believe that anything bad will happen to me if I chose to eat either of these delicacies.  I don’t even feel like I would let my community down if I chose to do so. It’s just something which I’ve chosen not to do for tradition’s sake. Sometimes things don’t make much more sense than that.

• I believe that some things simply won’t make much sense. And that’s okay.

• I believe that my belief system is not, in any way, static.  My beliefs have changed throughout the years and continue to do so now.  I would be surprised if they don’t shift around a bit in the future.  I believe that it is human nature to use life experiences to shape what one believes; as long as I’m still gathering those experiences I’ll spend a good amount of time fine-tuning.

• I believe that there is often a whole lot of room for forgiveness. Except for those times when there is not.

• I believe that I am hypocritical. Not totally; just a little bit. In fact, I believe everyone is just a little bit hypocritical.  But I honestly think that we try to keep that trait of our lives locked away. It’s certainly not something we’re proud of, and on the most part we try not to be.

• I believe that the Bible (however one wants to interpret that word) is divinely inspired but written by mankind.  Just because I don’t believe that it was written by God, however, doesn’t mean that I don’t find it to be holy. On the contrary — any literature with such a long history and tradition from which people have struggled to find meaning and a balanced way of life commands great respect and reverence.

• I believe that everything is open to interpretation.

• While some may believe that the progress of humanity will lead to our own demise, I believe in the power of humanity to thrive. However, this won’t occur until we learn to trust each other and ourselves rather than keep our guard up. I know — easier said than done. But I don’t think it’s as huge a leap as many do.

• I believe that we have more in common than what divides us.

I’ll stop here for now — and may add more (or simply revise) in the future.

But it means that this list will be a short one. Even though it is a day that has a 3 in it.

What am I doing up here in the mountains with my family? Doing lots of things you’re not, obviously.

Top 6 Things I’m doing which you’re not

6. Spending the weekend with 200-some high school students. Voluntarily. Good kids on the most part. But noisy…

5. Spending time speaking only Hebrew with some of these folks — mostly the ones who are here from Israel.

4. Seeing wild ants the size of burritos crawling around.

3. Watching a six-year old run around (well-supervised) interacting with said high school students. And, at times, forgetting that he and they aren’t the same age.

2. Happening to watch white people dance. And rather poorly, if I might add…

1. Sweating more than any person should.

Greetings from sunny Florida!  I arrived yesterday for “Shiny Happy Hillypalooza” where I’m visiting newly transplanted Floridian Hilly and have gathered with others in the area — including Avitable, Faiqa and Clown.  The beginning of our day was spent in an old-town district in central Florida shopping for doilies and stuff. Well, not exactly doilies.  But the old town district of the main drag of town nonetheless. I’m a big fan of such places — especially in a region which is less familiar to me.

And then — yesterday evening we all went out to dinner followed by a fun evening of playing games which are far more fun when inebriated. All in all, it’s been a great weekend thus far.

But through all of this wonderful weekend vacation, I’ve decided to learn a few things.  There are two reasons for this:  First, I like to think of every experience as a potential learning experience.  Where else is a better place to attain knowlegde than playground Earth? Secondly, if I document what I’ve learned on this trip, there’s a slight chance that my documented research could get a grant and funding. Which would help me pay for booze. And, apparently, a bathroom I destroyed in a drunken rage.*

So — we’re off!  Never been to Central Florida? Here’s your guide…

Top 7 Things I Have Learned on my Florida Trip

7.  You’re never too old to wear a sleeveless t-shirt. I learned this on our smalltown journey.  The look is much better when you’re sporting tattoos which which are throwbacks to the Nixon administration.

6. There’s some sort of surgical convention at Orlando International Airport. My flight left the DC area at about 7:00 yesterday morning. Everyone looked and acted normal. But then — when I arrived in Florida? I saw lots of people wearing surgical masks of some sort! It was amazing — some of these folks looked like entire families — all wearing the masks! One family had a child prodigy, no more than three years old, being pushed in a stroller yet proudly wearing the badge of surgical prowess!  I simply didn’t know that the folks in town are the gifted elite…

5. I now know how to play the game “Apples to Apples.” I even won at it my first time playing! Of course, it didn’t hurt that I convinced everyone that Rosie O’Donnell was “sensual…”

4. Nothing screams “prom season” as much as a gaggle of teenage boys looking uncomfortable in formal wear at Romano’s Macaroni Grill. The white, stretch Expedition limo blocking the parking lot entrance was a bit of a giveaway as well.

3. Small  Town USA is not Small Town USA without at least four computer repair stores on the main drag. No joke — our small town stroll was such that almost every other store was a computer store. All closed, of course. But these were not the run-of-the-mill big-box type stores. They were the ones that looked like a mom-and-pop type shop.  One of them, I kid you not, featured a “Web TV” (now “MSN TV”) in the display window. It made me feel like FAXing something.

2.  The classic novelty song “Splish Splash” lasts for approximately 8 seconds. This was a “humdinger” challenge I had when we were playing “Cranium.”  I had to hum “Splish Splash” so that my teammates would be able to identify the song and win that round.  The problem is that my only experience with the song has been hearing the initial snippet of it on televised ads for K-Tel type compliations which include the song. And they all only use the first two lines!

I think it’s a conspiracy; the song was never really recorded in full.  Just to make us lose. Curse you, Bobby Darin!

1. Need a tattoo or body piercing? Simple — head towards the airport. After I was picked up, we drove to a really nice place called “Mimi’s” to get brunch. And on the road leading from the airport (I forget was it was called, but it probably had an original name like “State Road 687″) we passed lots of places which advertised body piercings and tattoos. I still haven’t figured out the ink correlation, but I think I know why the proximity of the piercing places would be relevant: with TSA standards the way they are, it’s probably easier to fly without any embarassingly placed body jewelry due to the deterrent of “secondary screening.” So — once you get to Orlando and want to get your stainless steel on — you need to head no further than a half mile down the road from the airport. Simple as that.

And that’s it! I hope to learn more during the rest of my stay down here…

____

* The events at Avitable’s home last night are still a bit fuzzy — but everyone has been kind enough to allay my fears by saying that the bathroom looked like that before I even arrived to the house. Thanks guys — that’s very sweet.

I love you all. Really. I do. And I love reading what you fine folks write on your blog. Or say in conversation. But there are some phrases which simply seem to irk me. It doesn’t mean you should stop using these phrases; it’s… well…

Okay. I’m going to invoke a Yiddish term — Mishegaas. (The spelling can vary.)  It literally means “craziness.”  And it’s my “craziness” that simply makes me shirk to myself when I hear the following words or phrases. Basically, it’s a way of me saying “It’s not you; it’s me.” Except, in this case, it really is me.  Mishegaas. All the cool kids are using the term, and now you can, too.

Top 6 Phrases or Terms Which Irk Me

6. Speaking the letters “LOL” in verbal conversation. There are some acronyms which have become more commonplace since texting has come about.  BFF is one of them.  I can cautiously tolerate that. But a term like LOL or ROFL or LMAO is so contrived and fake when typed out — why even bother using it in conversation? A related gripe of mine are people who say “I heart you” as a synonym for love.  I suppose I should be thankful that it’s not “I three greater than sign you.”

5. Well, the truth is… Anyone who says this is about to lie.

4. Be that as it may… I’m guilty of using this one myself. It means nothing. But it’s a great stall tactic.

3. Meh. It just feels like it’s something a person says or writes because there’s simply no energy to say or write anything else.  Perhaps my opinion is clouded in the fact that, in Hebrew, “Meh” is the sound a sheep makes.  Which, I suppose, is a bit ironic….

2. People who use the term “ironic” where it doesn’t belong. Alanis Morrisette was the most famous offender here, but she’s certainly not the first nor last.  Irony has nothing to do with rain on one’s wedding day.  However, irony can now be defined as actually having ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. Which is fascinating because it’s only ironic because of the song “Ironic.” Which, in itself, is ironic.

1. Whatnot. I know I’m not alone with this one.

Which other ones have I forgotten?

So — my original post sans hint was a bit… shall we say, improbable.  Who could simply guess a name in my head?  I did, however, get some pretty good guesses.

I decided to give you all a hint — one which I felt might likely give it all away rather quickly. And I was correct — it took someone all of three minutes to guess the correct answer from my hint.

So – what was the name in question? What did the hints mean? For at least one of you, the hints were a type of quaero totus lacuna, which is Latin for “copy what I put on the blog to help people out into Google and look for something remotely relevant.”  But for those of you who got it right off the bat, you knew that these three “hints” were actually the first few lines of dialogue of the repressed peasant in Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

Direct YouTube Link

The first among you commoners to guess “Dennis” was Avitable.  He gets the t-shirt expressly made for the crew of The Wolfman. Coming to theaters this November.  Kudos to LeSombre, whall, Finn, and Janelle for also coming up with the correct name.

I must, however, give honorable mentions to the following individuals for some dreat guesses:

• B. E. Earl guessed that I would be named Romulu He cleverly took into consideration the Wolfman movie flair I was giving away. He chose Romulus over Remus because Romulus is the name of the town where the Detroit airport happens to be. Or something like that.
• LeSombre guessed “Joseph” for a variety of reasons, most of which escape me aside from that it means “he will enlarge.”  Oh really… ::whistles::
• NYCWD and Cissa Fireheart both chose the name “Sam.”  Cissa cited a fact that, on this day in history, Sam Houston led a Texan army to independence in San Jacinto. And Samuel Clemmens (aka Mark Twain) died in 1910 on this day. Dawg just chose it because he knows that I don’t eat ham. (Jury is still out on the green eggs.)
• Dave2 was close: taking a page out of one of the best TV sitcoms of all time, he decided to delve into the quintissential hottest supporting character from that show.  And he guessed Skippy — based on Alex’s buddy and Mallory’s geeky somewhat stalker Skippy Handelman on “Family Ties.”
• Hilly just thinks that I should be called “Dick.”
• Iron Fist thought that my name might have to do with the Jewish holiday which falls today called Yom HaShoah. Which is Holocaust Remembrance Day. Way to keep it light…
• MySpaceBarBroke and Miss Britt both decided on “Sir.”  Both of these lovely ladies are younger than I am; SpaceBar is incredibly sweet and respectful towards me. She always has been. Britt, on the other hand… well, she’s also been very nice to me, I suppose.  But she called me old.

• Finally, another tip of the hat to Dawg who took the “37″ reference to the other movie which references it: a wonderful film called Clerks. Kudos to you on this one; yes, I’ve aged all 37 years in a row.  I’ve decided that I will bestow NYCWD with a package of snowballs (yes, the confectioned donut treat and not the other stuff) the next time we meet in person.

Today was really amazing for me.  I began this blog slightly over a year ago and was new to this specific blogging community.  Since then I’ve become close to many of you.  Thanks for all of the birthday wishes and for being such a great community.

But wait — there’s more! While I’m revealing answers about stuff, why the heck not give you the answers to that 80s music quiz on my blog about three weeks back?  Here were the snippets; see if you can hear them now that you know what they are:

Download: MP3 OGG

“Head Over Heels” by the Go-Gos and “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel.  Nat and Hilly identified the Go-Gos, but the Billy Joel intro was a bit tough for you all. Don’t the two intros go quite well together, though?

Download: MP3 OGG

Many of you (Faiqa, Janelle, Hilly, B.E. Earl, Sybil and my brother) got The Fixx’s “One Thing Leads To Another.”  Nobody got that the eerie piano chords belonged to the intro for the Boomtown Rats’ “I Don’t Like Mondays.”

Download: MP3 OGG

Yes. “Obsession” by Anomotion. Practically everyone had that one.  The other? “Oh Sherry” by Journey frontman Steve Perry. Yankeebird got that in the round before the last one in which four songs were on top of each other. Go Yankee!

Download: MP3 OGG

A few of you got “Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats. Nobody figured out the opening organ slide to “Hip to Be Square” by Huey Lewis and the News.

Okay — let’s hear them all together one last time!

    Download: MP3 OGG

Now do you hear each of these eight song?  No? Only me?  Okay…

A quick tip of the hat to my brother who calls himself, affectionately, Shiny’s Brother. I prefer the name I’ve given him in the blogosphere, Captain Awesome. I especially like it because I can almost feel him cringe at the thought of me calling him that. And imagining him in a tight superhero suit with tights and a bright orange codpiece and all.  Yes, he continues to be an inspiration for me, and he really had a lot to do with my obsession for 80s music.  Thanks, CA. Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the sky.

And now, for no good reason whatsoever, here is a picture of someone’s butt. With a full color tattoo on one of the cheeks. Of a unicorn. A very special unicorn. One with rainbows. And a swastika armband. Spreading the rainbow-clad, unicornial message of white power.

On the other hand, you’re probably not interested. Tell you what — if you’re reading this in your feed reader and you actually want to see it, click through for the full blog post.  If you’re not, I certainly don’t blame you.

… and you thought I was kidding…

Thanks to my friend Becky who brought this to my attention from this website. This was truly the best gift I received all day.

But first — a public service announcement:  It’s Passover. (Happy Passover!) I haven’t blogged in forever.   (Happy forever!) Life has really been a whirlwind over the past week and-a-half, and I simply haven’t had time to blog about stuff. And there really is a lot I want to blog about — including answers to that whole “name the 80s song” thing that I did last month. I will get to it soon. I promise.

To make up for it, I’ve decided to give you a list which will make your stomachs turn and ensure that you’ll think of me on a far lower standard than ever before.

Top 8 Children’s Show Characters That I’ve Wanted to Get With

It was tough to determine: what, specifically, constitutes a children’s show?  I decided to define it as:

• appearing on a children’s network or children’s programming block  (e.g. Playhouse Disney, PBS Kids)
• appearing in a time-slot reserved for children’s programming (Saturday morning, after school)
• not necessarily animated, but it helps.

Note: not all of the characters listed below are/were over the age of 18.  Then again — neither was I close to twenty years ago. If such a list offends you, you might want to stop reading now.

Okay? Good? Here we go:

8. Melody of “Josie and the Pussycats”

Everybody knew Josie.  Most everyone knew Valerie, one of the first African-American women immortalized in an integrated comic.  But usually the ditzy Melody was forgotten behind the drum kit.  True, she was a bit air-headed and her few speaking parts were annoying and trying, but she had a voice like an angel.

For me — the show was all about exposed thighs.  Need I say more?

7. Jessie Spano from “Saved By The Bell”

Most people remember Jessie as the “other girl.”   The one who was not Kelly Kapowski. And yes, the one who got strung out on caffeine pills and sang the Pointer Sisters’ “I’m So Excited” in a drugged out fugue state. But she was also a tough girl with her own sense of independence. She could hold her own with both Zack Morris and A.C. Slater.  You could tell that behind closed doors, Slater really knew who was boss right away. And he liked it that way.

Give me Jessie any day over Kelly.Or Lisa Tuttle. Lisa would have certainly been Jessie’s bitch in Bayside Prison…

6. Jane Jetson from “The Jetsons”

Some would bestow this honor upon daughter Judy Jetson. But I always saw Judy as a bit of a tease. And, to be perfectly honest, a dullard. Someone who gets that excited about someone kissing her? Seen it.  Jane, on the other hand, was a dirty, dirty whore. But in a good way. You know how at the last moment she sneaks off with all of George’s hard-earned cash? You know that she’s getting herself all dolled up for some younger space action. Jane Jetson invented the term cougar for the twenty-first century.

5. Daphne from “Scooby Doo”

People would often give crap to Fred about his ascot. What they didn’t realize was that Daphne was wearing one, too. But one would never need to look at that part of Daphne to notice — whether it was the hair (that headband itself was magical) or the short miniskirt with the purple fuck-me pumps, you simply let her rule your world.  And she was always nice to animals and Shaggy — a pretty big plus.

(Velma was pretty cool — but I think we’d just be better as friends.)

4. Dorothy the Dinosaur from “The Wiggles”

You know — having been subjected to torture by a child who went through a non-stop phase of absolutely loving “The Wiggles,” Australian children’s television’s version of the Fab Four,  one will often nod off to numb the pain. And when one falls asleep, some really freaky thoughts can come about.

Okay. I know. She’s a dinosaur. With a gigantic overbite. And a bit clumsy looking. But she’s got that irresistible Australian accent. And she dances.  And she loves roses. Can’t get enough of them. She’d be the kind of lady who would do lots of things for roses that would just be awkward with… well, women not in a big dinosaur costume.

And I won’t even begin with what we can do with that spiked tail…

3. Prairie Dawn from “Sesame Street”

I know what you’re thinking: Shiny? Really? A tranny?

Hey — don’t knock it. She passes quite well.  And besides — I’ve always had a thing for beautiful shemales of color. Her taste in flowing dresses is simply out of this world. And she — I don’t know how I can describe it — she  becomes a lady. Just look at her.

I bet she gets a kick out of getting her hair pulled…

2. Nina from “Imagination Movers”

“The Imagination Movers” are a quartet who happen t be in a band but also live/work in a warehouse and help solve people’s problems.  They hang out with this hip girl named Nina — who sort of takes care of her uncle who likes everything beige and boring. Nina is a bit of a groupie — you know the type. She’s always there to help out the Movers in whatever way possible.

It’s a kids’ show. And she remains quite professional when the cameras are rolling. But you just have to assume that she’d rebel against her uncle’s ultra-mundane ways and go wild.  She could stay out all night for, like, three days straight. What stamina!

1. Vanessa Doofenshmirtz from “Phineas and Ferb”

She’s a lesser known character on the show — the estranged daughter of the evil nemesis Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.  The product of a relatively recent divorce (it seems), she’s a bit broken.  With her clueless mother and evil genius father, she simply doesn’t know her place, and she copes by going completely goth in these slinky black outfits that probably go against the school’s dress code. She’s demanding, too — always trying to get her mother to believe her when she accuses her father of truly being evil.

Sounds like Vanessa is looking for a father figure to whom she can look up. Come to papa…

—

If you’ve made it this far before shaking your head in disgust, deleting this blog from your feed reader, and disposing your computer with a pair of tweezers into a hermetically sealed litter box, thanks!

The Jewish holiday of Passover is nearly upon us — a time for reflection of our historical journey from slavery to freedom as well as of our perpetual journeys towards free will and free choice for ourselves and other inhabitants of our world.  The traditional Passover Seder, a symposium which retells the story of the Exodus from Egypt,  begins with the recitation of the Four Questions by the youngest at the table — whereupon s/he asks variations of “Why is this night diffierent from all others?”  The four questions traditionally used by modern Jewish communities around the world are:

1. On all other nights we eat leavened and unleavened bread; why on this night do we only eat unleavened bread?
2. On all other nights we eat all different types of vegetables; why on this night do we only eat bitter herbs?
3. On all other nights we don’t ceremoniously dip our food even once; why on this night do we dip it twice?
4. Why is Shiny such an immature little douchewad?

Not surprisingly, I’d like to address the last question:  We were slaves long ago — and I have been a slave as well — to moral values of my puritan society which dictates that I remain classy and clever and not giggle when someone utters the word “scrotum.”  But what is Passover — if not for the ability to run free and claim one’s own choice to be himself?  What better time is there to release my inner eight year-old?

Which is why I present:

Top 9 Jewish Terms Which Sound a Whole Lot More Risque Until You Find Out What They Really Mean

Most of these are specifically Passover terms, but there are a few of them which relate to other Jewish holidays and other aspects of Judaism altogether.  This list becomes extremely boring if you click on any of the links below. Consider this your warning…

9. Laying Tefilin

8. Adult Bar Mitzvah

7. Blowing the Shofar

6. Displaying the “Shank Bone”

5. Partaking of the “Bitter Herb”

4.  “Go Down, Moses…”

3.  Having Matzah Balls

2. The Nathan Cummings Foundation

1. “Hiding the Afikomen”

Here’s wish everyone a Chag Sameach – Happy Passover!

Wow. Here’s a shocker — I love 80s music. Can’t get enough of it.  Especially the lovable popness of it all.  I’ve mentioned on Twitter that I often will listen to a Baltimore radio station which re-runs original episodes of “American Top 40″ with Casey Kasem from the 80s on Sunday nights.  Brilliant bit of radio programming!

Except that I found out yesterday that the station which plays these “AT40″ episodes will cease to exist come midnight on April 1. It’s not an April Fool’s joke; the station was just bought out by mega-radio conglomerate Clear Channel and will be flipping formats in a matter of hours.  Not cool. Gone will also be the All-80s weekends.  Woe is me. Totally not tubular at all.

As a tribute to Baltimore’s almost extinct Jack 102.7 FM, I decided to listen to eight 80s songs in a row this afternoon. They’ve all been popular sometimes in that awesome decade.  Peace be with you, 80s pop…

Top 8 Random 80s Songs I Have Listened To Today

… and this is where you come in:  Guess all eight of the songs I enjoyed. Artist and title.

But Shiny, you’re probably pleading, how can we possibly know which songs they are? There are so… so many! Well, yes. There are. All wonderful songs. (Except for Never Say Goodbye by Bon Jovi.)  But these eight are special.  Special because they each carry a message. But mostly special because I listened to all of them in a row.

Besides — Shiny is here to help!  I have compiled an audio clip of all eight songs which you can hear below!

There’s one challenge, however:  due to our ongoing societal attention deficit, I decided only to include a three-second snippet of each song.  That being said — twenty-four seconds can be quite a long time! So I went a step further and just mixed all eight snippets on top of each other.

You can also download the MP3 here or download an OGG file here. (I’m all about giving people options.)

Can you name all eight songs I’ve included?  First person who gets them all wins a whole lot of props from me. Good luck!

You see, it’s one of those weeks which, due to poor planning, consists of three lists on the 3s: the 30th, 31st and 3rd. Couple in with that a busy couple of weeks as it is and the fact that Shiny is playing single parent this entire week as his wife is out of town on business — and you have one extremely run-down, tired blogger

However — fear not! Shiny’s talented six-year old son is happy to save the day! Hell — he’s happy to do anything if it means extending his 7:30 pm bedtime as much as possible! Which is why he’s decided to share the many stall tactics important milestones of life that must occur before getting tucked in to bed tonight.

Thus — Avi presents:

Top 8 Things I Need To Do Before Going To Bed

8. Play “Cars” or “Cars: Mater National” on the computer with my Dad. These are video games for the PC from three and two years ago respectively. And I love them a lot — even though we’ve beaten them several times over. The thing is:  It’s bonding between my father and me.  Even if his role is simple, repetitive motor skills. It’s not like he’s not doing simple, repetitive motor-skills all day long; I’m just helping him practice.

7.  Play with some sort of object and run around the house reciting dialogue from “Phineas and Ferb” verbatim. The louder the better. And, again — repition is key.  It is.  Repitition, that is. It’s key.

6. Brush teeth / Wash face and hands. This entails using as much foamy soap as humanly possible.  And getting toothpaste all over every surface in the bathroom.

5. Fill the humidifier. Kind of. We have a Brita pitcher in my room for the water for the humidifier.  I like to make sure it’s filled to the top. Pouring it is also fun — especially when I spill it all and I pretend that the levies that are my closet doors have overflown.  Good times…

4. Find a random book and insist that we read it before going to bed. Sometimes this is easy: if I have a book I need to read for school, that’s a built in activity right there. But if I don’t?  I’ll pick up any of my books and insist we read some pages of it.  It’s a way for me to practice my own reading. And if it’s not my books — it’s my parents’ books and magazines. I can identify the words Lohan and whore almost instantaneously!

3. Look for Woof-Woof. That’s my stuffed puppy dog I’ve had since I was a few weeks old. It used to look a bit like this:

I can’t even post what it looks like now because it’s so dilapidated and disgusting.  The color is now a dark gray. And it’s a bit raw and ripe — even after it’s just been washed.  I leave this companion somewhere in the house, and finding it before bedtime is always a huge event.  But hey — don’t want to make Woof feel left out. Am I right?

2. Put in my order for lunch — and then revise it a bit. I’m six years old. Which means I don’t quite make my own lunch yet. Usually it’s my mom’s job, but with her gone my dad has stepped up. He gets rather nervous about such things, making sure that all is well-balanced and that he includes enough grapes and pita chips and stuff. It’s not too difficult since I’m a very picky eater. But I like to change things up a bit by (a) asking for at least three things that we don’t have; and (b) throwing in at least one unreasonable request.  It impresses me how he thinks I’m serious when I make him explain to me why I can’t take a popsicle to school!

1.  Ask a random question of my Dad which will be sure to put him into years of therapy. You really can’t let your parents underestimate your power as kid extraordinaire in the home; you have to keep them on their toes every so often so they know that you can take them down with just a single sentence. Take today:  After all of the above happened and my beloved father thought that he reigned victorious, having me in pajamas in bed, teeth brushed and blankets on top of me, we said our respective goodnights and I love yous. I mentioned how I miss Mommy, and I received agreement from Dear Old Dad. His guard was down; that’s when I decided to attack with full force by asking this question:

“What happens when someone dies while they’re driving a car in a race?”

You should have seen the eyes on him as he comprehended the question!  And especially — how he hemmed and hawed about answering it appropriately!  Something innocuous about hoping that there wasn’t as accident involving any other people, and hoping the pit crew would pick up on it in enough time for it to be preventive, etc.   But I sure as hell know that it’ll keep him up tonight.

Go me!

Well — then it’s pretty dang lucky that I made the following flowchart using Gliffy:

(Click to engrowify.)

I like a lot of good songs. I mean — who doesn’t? There are many classic songs out there which define a generation of music. Take, for instance, the song Crazy by Seal. His first big hit. Very catchy. Danceable. Profound. Karaokeable.  It’s a song which defines memories and memorizes definitions. And I love that song immensely.

But, strangely enough, there are certain songs which I deem in the category of “good” which I simply would not rather hear again. Maybe it’s that they’ve simply been overplayed. Or maybe such songs trigger a not-so-positive memory for me.  It doesn’t (necessarily) void the quality of the song itself; it just means that, as an aficionado of music, I’m perfectly okay living without it.

I will not be including musical samples or YouTube videos for any of these. Because — you know. Don’t really want to hear ‘em.

Top 6 Good Songs I Wouldn’t Mind Never Ever Listening To Again

6.  David Foster: Love Theme from “St. Elmo’s Fire”

I became excited about St. Elmo’s Fire a few years after it came out — because, although the movie was set in Georgetown, their outdoor shots were filmed at the University of Maryland.  It was a good Brat-Pack film with some good music to it — including this instrumental track which everyone would slow-dance to.  The sad piano and mellow sax at the end would almost ensure at least some making out. Very powerful song.

For me, it wasn’t the memory of making out with someone. It was the memory of specifically not making out with someone. She was immune to the song!  That… that monster!

Oh — and that version of the song that has someone singing along?  Bad. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

5.  Janet Jackson: What Have You Done For Me Lately

This was an important time for Janet (Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty): as the baby of the family, she was in the shadow of her brothers — especially Michael — who had enjoyed a highly successful world tour a year before. Sister Reebie even had a hit already! So Janet needed to come onto the scene with something strong. And she did.  She showed the music industry that she could sing and perform amazingly well.

I love the Control album. As well as Rhythm Nation 1814. But this song? It gets repetitive quickly. And it reminds me of Eddie Murphy’s comedy routine in his movie Raw.

4. Survivor: Eye of the Tiger

There are so many reasons I love this song! It was revolutionary — synonymous with adrenaline! And when Survivor sold out their song to Starbucks, they did a version where they were following around a guy and singing his anthem: “GLENN!  Glenn Glenn GLENN! Glenn Glenn GLENN!  Glenn Glenn GLENNNNNNN….”

Problem is — Mrs. P., my fifth grade music teacher, thought it would be cool for us to sing this in class. With only piano accompaniment. It just ruined the experience for me.

3. John Travolta and Olivia Newton John: You’re the One That I Want

There are two types of people in this world: Those who feel that the film version of Grease lept far beyond the reaches of the Broadway musical; and the smart people who saw the movie as a bastardization of an extremely clever and funny stage show which was designed to be a parody in the first place.  (Anyone who fits in the “I don’t really follow musical theater that much” is simply dead to me.)

I’ve been in three musical productions of Grease. Only one of them was true to the Broadway show — in that (a) the whole premise of the show was Eugene’s flashback to Rydell High in 1961; (b) there were cheesy full-length musical productions about the classical art of mooning; and (c) Sandy’s last name was Dumbrowski — not Olsson — and she sure as hell wasn’t Australian. There were extra songs written for the silver screen, including You’re the One That I Want which replaced the Broadway version’s All Choked Up.

It’s a catchy song.  But it reminds meof the simple travesty that was the film adaptation of Grease.

2. Bon Jovi: Living On a Prayer

I’ll cut to the chase: I’m not as impressed with Bon Jovi as many others are.  But I do recognize talent when I see it. And Living on a Prayer was certainly a memorable song.  Without Bon Jovi and Sambora singing the song onstage at the MTV Video Awards nearly two decades ago with nothing but a pair of acoustic guitars, we wouldn’t have MTV Unplugged. The song has become an anthem for many feeling downtrodden. Or those dockworkers who are down on their luck because the union’s been on strike.

But still — any time I hear this song I hear kids screeching it off-key in my head. Ouch.

1. Billy Joel: Uptown Girl

A great, doo-woppy song.  A fun video. A declaration of a dream that we awkward looking boys had — which was that it wasn’t totally impossible for a dorky looking fellow to land a fashion model like Christie Brinkley. The sound was simply authentic and something different.  This was a 45″ single that I gave to my sixth grade girlfriend Elaine for Chanukah. This one had meaning!

And now?  There’s this guy named Sanjay. Very cool guy. Known him for like, forever.  He sang lead on this song with his a capella group back in the 90s.  And every time I think of the song, I hear him just almost reaching the notes. But not quite.  Sorry, Jay — love you lots. But you’ve gone ahead and ruined the song for me.

How about you all? Any good songs that you wouldn’t miss?