List on the 3s: For Immature Audiences Only…

List on the 3s — you know the drill. On a day which has the number 3 in it, I produce a list.

But first — a public service announcement:  It’s Passover. (Happy Passover!) I haven’t blogged in forever.   (Happy forever!) Life has really been a whirlwind over the past week and-a-half, and I simply haven’t had time to blog about stuff. And there really is a lot I want to blog about — including answers to that whole “name the 80s song” thing that I did last month. I will get to it soon. I promise.

To make up for it, I’ve decided to give you a list which will make your stomachs turn and ensure that you’ll think of me on a far lower standard than ever before.

Top 8 Children’s Show Characters That I’ve Wanted to Get With

It was tough to determine: what, specifically, constitutes a children’s show?  I decided to define it as:

• appearing on a children’s network or children’s programming block  (e.g. Playhouse Disney, PBS Kids)
• appearing in a time-slot reserved for children’s programming (Saturday morning, after school)
• not necessarily animated, but it helps.

Note: not all of the characters listed below are/were over the age of 18.  Then again — neither was I close to twenty years ago. If such a list offends you, you might want to stop reading now.

Okay? Good? Here we go:

8. Melody of “Josie and the Pussycats”

Everybody knew Josie.  Most everyone knew Valerie, one of the first African-American women immortalized in an integrated comic.  But usually the ditzy Melody was forgotten behind the drum kit.  True, she was a bit air-headed and her few speaking parts were annoying and trying, but she had a voice like an angel.

For me — the show was all about exposed thighs.  Need I say more?

7. Jessie Spano from “Saved By The Bell”

Most people remember Jessie as the “other girl.”   The one who was not Kelly Kapowski. And yes, the one who got strung out on caffeine pills and sang the Pointer Sisters’ “I’m So Excited” in a drugged out fugue state. But she was also a tough girl with her own sense of independence. She could hold her own with both Zack Morris and A.C. Slater.  You could tell that behind closed doors, Slater really knew who was boss right away. And he liked it that way.

Give me Jessie any day over Kelly.Or Lisa Tuttle. Lisa would have certainly been Jessie’s bitch in Bayside Prison…

6. Jane Jetson from “The Jetsons”

Some would bestow this honor upon daughter Judy Jetson. But I always saw Judy as a bit of a tease. And, to be perfectly honest, a dullard. Someone who gets that excited about someone kissing her? Seen it.  Jane, on the other hand, was a dirty, dirty whore. But in a good way. You know how at the last moment she sneaks off with all of George’s hard-earned cash? You know that she’s getting herself all dolled up for some younger space action. Jane Jetson invented the term cougar for the twenty-first century.

5. Daphne from “Scooby Doo”

People would often give crap to Fred about his ascot. What they didn’t realize was that Daphne was wearing one, too. But one would never need to look at that part of Daphne to notice — whether it was the hair (that headband itself was magical) or the short miniskirt with the purple fuck-me pumps, you simply let her rule your world.  And she was always nice to animals and Shaggy — a pretty big plus.

(Velma was pretty cool — but I think we’d just be better as friends.)

4. Dorothy the Dinosaur from “The Wiggles”

You know — having been subjected to torture by a child who went through a non-stop phase of absolutely loving “The Wiggles,” Australian children’s television’s version of the Fab Four,  one will often nod off to numb the pain. And when one falls asleep, some really freaky thoughts can come about.

Okay. I know. She’s a dinosaur. With a gigantic overbite. And a bit clumsy looking. But she’s got that irresistible Australian accent. And she dances.  And she loves roses. Can’t get enough of them. She’d be the kind of lady who would do lots of things for roses that would just be awkward with… well, women not in a big dinosaur costume.

And I won’t even begin with what we can do with that spiked tail…

3. Prairie Dawn from “Sesame Street”

I know what you’re thinking: Shiny? Really? A tranny?

Hey — don’t knock it. She passes quite well.  And besides — I’ve always had a thing for beautiful shemales of color. Her taste in flowing dresses is simply out of this world. And she — I don’t know how I can describe it — she  becomes a lady. Just look at her.

I bet she gets a kick out of getting her hair pulled…

2. Nina from “Imagination Movers”

“The Imagination Movers” are a quartet who happen t be in a band but also live/work in a warehouse and help solve people’s problems.  They hang out with this hip girl named Nina — who sort of takes care of her uncle who likes everything beige and boring. Nina is a bit of a groupie — you know the type. She’s always there to help out the Movers in whatever way possible.

It’s a kids’ show. And she remains quite professional when the cameras are rolling. But you just have to assume that she’d rebel against her uncle’s ultra-mundane ways and go wild.  She could stay out all night for, like, three days straight. What stamina!

1. Vanessa Doofenshmirtz from “Phineas and Ferb”

She’s a lesser known character on the show — the estranged daughter of the evil nemesis Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.  The product of a relatively recent divorce (it seems), she’s a bit broken.  With her clueless mother and evil genius father, she simply doesn’t know her place, and she copes by going completely goth in these slinky black outfits that probably go against the school’s dress code. She’s demanding, too — always trying to get her mother to believe her when she accuses her father of truly being evil.

Sounds like Vanessa is looking for a father figure to whom she can look up. Come to papa…

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If you’ve made it this far before shaking your head in disgust, deleting this blog from your feed reader, and disposing your computer with a pair of tweezers into a hermetically sealed litter box, thanks!