List on the 3s: Top 8 Things Which Don’t Impress Shiny So Much

“List on the 3s” is … well, if you don’t know it by now, you’ll never, ever, ever know it.

Hey, everyone! What did you think of the Oscars last night? I assume you all watched the telecast, right?

Not me.

I mean, I watched a few snippets of it here and there, but it’s simply not something which I get into so much.  Don’t get me wrong — I certainly can understand why people watch them. I see some of the value in the cute, comedy sketches which involve some of the hottest stars of the silver screen. But to me, the entire four (five? six? eight?) hour experience is simply overrated. Believe me — I’ve tried it. I’ve been to an Oscar party or two. Simply not time spent well.

I decided to chronicle some experiences I’ve had (or at least tried) which might not be all that bad, but which I simply don’t think are the end-all, be-all of phenomena on this planet.  I know I’ll get quite a few disagreements with this list; feel free to disagree in the comments. Until then, I present you with:

Top 8 Things Which Don’t Impress Me So Much

8. Harry Potter

I’m married to someone who has all of the Harry Potter books — not only that, but she had to get the majority of them delivered on the release date.  I still haven’t ready more than a couple of pages of one volume.

Yes, I’ve seen the first two movies, and they were fun.  But I’m certainly not going to go into pure fanatic mode any time soon…

7. Coke vs. Pepsi

I can’t tell the difference. I can hardly even tell the difference between the diet and non-diet varieties. This will seem like pure sacrilige, especially if you’re from Atlanta.  But to me? Either one is fine. I don’t have a specific alliance.

In fact, *gasp* I’ve been knwn to buy store brand stuff…

6. Wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt over a long-sleeved thermal shirt

I don’t know who started the trend — who was the first one to say “you know, I’m feeling a bit cold and lazy. Why not, instead of taking off the shirt I’m wearing, I put a t-shirt over this one and hope nobody notices?”  I’d like to blame this fashion fad on Josh Hartnett if I could, but I really don’t know if I could legally hold him responsible.

Yeah. I’ve done it. You know how it feels on me? Tight. I simply don’t have the body for it. It certainly doesn’t give a slimming effect at all. I will admit, however, to wearing long-sleeved, knit henleys over a black t-shirt. In fact, I’m wearing one right now. I don’t know if someone out there on the Disney channel is doing the same thing and might make this popular, but if it does ride that way I guess I’ll move on quickly to something else to do with my shirts…

5. Space Mountain

I took my first trip to a Disney theme park when I was 14.

It was the summer before ninth grade, and my family and I went to Orlando to stay with some relatives and visit the Magic Kingdom and Epcot Center.  I had been to local amusement parks before and I had logged plenty of roller coaster experience. But from what I had heard, Space Mountain was the gold standard!  We waited for what seemed to be 10 minutes on the outside of the ride, thinking that the line was moving fast enough to let us board soon after. But then we got inside to where the hordes of people were. It was all dark. Lights-a-flashing. Meteors prokected onto the ceiling.

And then the lights went on.

When they did, we saw the track. We saw the technicians fixing part of the riser.  Everything which looked so speedy and flashy in the dark was no longer such a mystery. It was just a puny roller coaster of little significance. It was only exciting when it was dark and you couldn’t see well. It’s how I would imagine making out with Jeremy Piven would feel like.

We waited another 45 minutes before the line moved again and the lights were back off. The roller coaster experience? Not so hot.  I rode it again in 2001 and 2002 — just not so thrilling.

4. Sausage

I may not be worthy enough to include this on the list:  I haven’t had sausage in at least 25 years, and when I did I certainly didn’t have it for breakfast. (Hot dogs, as I recall, were just fine.)  I suppose that’s the thing about keeping kosher — you don’t really have meat for breakfast because of the separation of dairy and meat in our dietary laws. And with the whole milk and cereal thing, it makes for quite the segregated table.

I thought that sausage would taste as nice and clean cut as hot dogs, but they simply didn’t.  Maybe it was the hickory smokey flavor that simply didn’t do it for me.  It makes me wonder how people can eat the stuff with maple syrup.

(I’ve never eaten real bacon, so I must exclude bacon from this list. I know, I know. There are those of you who are sure that if I ever try the stuff, I’ll run off and marry it.)

3.  Bruce Springsteen

I knew a guy in high school named Bryan.  Ryan’s favorite song, at least for a while, was “Dancing In The Dark.” It was the first single off of the “Born in the USA” album which came out in the mid-80s, and he liked the song because he was supposed to like the song. I never understood the appeal for such a repetitive, muffled ditty. And it made me think that Bryan was incredibly stupid and made me want to punch him in the chin.

He’s good. He’s talented. He discovered Courtney Cox in his “Dancing in the Dark” video.  But I always felt that I was missing out on something. People lauded him as a musical hero –just another guy coming out of Asbury Park, NJ representing the common man.  I just thought that his songs — although not bad — sounded very much the same.

I still love “I’m On Fire” and get chills every time I hear it.  But I still feel that people make him out to be a legend that he isn’t.

2.  The NFL

I like football.  I loved going to ACC football games when I was at the University of Maryland — especially during my freshman year. For quite a few reasons:

(a) Byrd Stadium was well within stumbling distance of my dorm room

(b) Tickets were free

(c) I could go with a large group of my friends and sit together

(d) Our team was actually not so bad. (We went to the Independence Bowl that yea.)

It was a great way to watch the game:  it was all about teamwork. School spirit. An enthusiastic fan-base.  Relatively cheap alcohol at the tailgate parties.  There weren’t any real stars of the team who stood out, and that was okay. It was about the team, not individuals.

The NFL has taken that experience and sucked out anything not evil. Perhaps it’s because I live in a city with an awful football team with an owner who treats it better than it is.  The cost to go to a game nowadays is out of reach of most fans, yet the games continue to sell out week after week. It costs upwards of $30 to park your car and take a shuttle bus from a mall parking lot near the stadium!  And when you get inside? The game is less about teamwork and more about every player looking for his own glory moment.  And beer is like seven bucks.

I’ll take college football any day over the travesty that is the NFL.

1. The Sopranos

I’m going to make a lot of enemies on this one. And get whacked.  But I must say it anyway:

I don’t get why people thought this show was the best program ever broadcast.

Don’t get me wrong — it’s certainly a quality presentation. Moreso than Two and a Half Men or According to Jim. And maybe it’s because I didn’t watch the series from day 1. But I just didn’t respond to it the way that everyone else did. It’s as if I was missing something along the way.

And towards the end? It got really weird.  I won’t even go into that last scene of the last episode…

So — how about you? What’s out there that you’ve tried that hasn’t wowed you like it should?