List on the 3s: Six Beverages Shiny Has Had Which Are Now (Nearly) Extinct

“List on the 3s.” A list. On dates with 3s in them. Like 13. Today. 13th of November. But not the 17th. That would just be pointless.

I’m what they would call a Renaissance Man. Not because I have eclectic tastes and skills, but because I’ve seen the Danny DeVito film Renaissance Man eight times. Which is approximately eight times more than everyone else.  For those of you unfamiliar with the film (and that’s all of you), DeVito plays a unemployed advertising executive who eventually is hired by the army to teach Hamlet to a bunch of cadets. It’s a story of diversity, overcoming challenges, and endurance. And also — the guy who played “Duane Wayne” on A Different World is in it.

But there’s also something else which sets me apart when we’re thinking about the term Renaissance Man. And that has to do with the number of Renaissance Festivals (or “RenFests”) I’ve attended.  You know what they are — large-scale carnivals which bring you back to a different era where people were champions of their own destinies! And ate undercooked meat! And shot arrows at people! While those who work the fair are always in costume and in character, sometimes members of the public will dress up as well.  In fact, I’ve been to as many RenFests dressed in period clothes as I have in modern-day street clothes. And that number is zero.

This all has absolutely nothing to do with today’s List on the 3s. Why the hell am I telling you any of this?

Beats me. All I can tell you with a certainty is this: I love liquids. Can’t get enough of them. And today, I’ll share some of the ones that live on in my mind and spirit.

Top 6 Beverages I Have Had Which Are Now Nearly Extinct

6.  Crystal Pepsi

This was the infamous drink that people loved to help. It was, apparently, a clear version of cola. It didn’t come alone: It came around at the same time that clear gel anti-perspirant hit the scene.  Crystal Pepsi tasted a lot like what you would get if you filled an empty Pepsi bottle up with water and added five cups of sugar.  I wonder why it didn’t catch on…

5. dnL

If 7-Up is the “uncola,” then I suppose dn*L was the “un-uncola.” It was caffeinated. And green. And tasted like parsley. Kind of.  Who knows? At least the packaging was kind of clever…

4. Pepsi Free

Yes. Another Pepsi product. You’ll see one more before the list is done.

This isn’t that exciting nowadays; it’s simply what we now call “Caffeine Free Pepsi.”  But at the time, caffeine free colas were a new thing.

And, of course, who can forget one of the cheesiest lines of one of the best movies of the 80s?

If you want a Pepsi, pal, you’ve got to pay for it!

Ah, McFly…

3. Zima Gold

In a similar spirit of Crystal Pepsi, Zima was created as a clear malt beverage. Which ultimately tasted like a slightly more bitter Diet Sprite. I’ve partaken of some — not a proud moment.  But eventually Zima decided to think outside the box: If they could do a clear version of beer, why not do a clear version of beer that was amber instead of clear? Hence – Zima Gold was born.  Great idea, Einstein…

(Yes. That was zarcasm.)

2.  Pepsi Kona

I really thought a coffee flavored soda would take off. Honest.

1. Orbitz

I first came across these when I was living in North Carolina about twelve years ago. Picture this: a clear, lightly flavored beverage that looks like a lava lamp! It was clever – and they were cheap and plentiful at my local Food Lion! This was certainly the exotic beverage of choice until…

… until Rosie O’Donnell started talking about it on her show.  Suddenly the magic was over:  mainstream America thought that these drinks were cool. And I realized that it just tasted like sugar water with smooth pellets of flavored snot. Eventually the drink disappeared, but we still have an unopened bottle in our kitchen.

Which drinks am I forgetting?