List on the 3s: Top 5 Potentially Inappropriate Halloween Costumes

List on the 3s is a meme. A rather good one, actually — one where I write a list on any date that has the number 3 in it. Such as today.

Oh no! Halloween is almost over in this part of the world! And I still don’t have a costume! What to do?

You may be thinking this right now — if you haven’t already gotten yourself to a Halloween party where you’ve been drinking non-stop.  If this is you, here are a few ideas for Halloween costumes that will likely get people talking about you and giving you dirty looks.




Top 5 Potentially Inappropriate Halloween Costumes (With Instructions)




5. Slutty Phillies Fan

This one is nice and topical! And rather easy to do.  Sluttiness mileage may vary:

• Put on a Philadelphia Phillies jersey and button it all the way up\
• Unbutton the top four buttons of said jersey.  Philadelphia is proud of its cleavage!
• Tease your hair out all big and 80s-like.
• Drink for two hours before going out. You deserve it — they’re the World Champions!
• For added effect — every seven minutes, yell out “Woooooo!” and torch whatever neighborhood you happen to be in at the time.

4. Studs Terkel (May 16, 1912 – October 31, 2008)

Since Mr. Terkel died earlier today, this would be an incredibly cutting-edge, timely costume!  Simply:

• wear a white fright wig (but cut out some of the hair sloppily first)
• find a pink checkered shirt at a thrift shop
• Clutch a copy of The Good War to your heart
• Put on some pancake white makeup so you look dead — and then some
• Stop breathing.

Seriously, though — R.I.P. Studs. You were a pretty amazing man — even in your final years.




3. Slutty Ashley Todd

Again, something relevant and for the times!  At least for the next few days…

• put on an orange Tennessee Volunteers sweatshirt
• rip the neckline for the slutty effect you personally desire
• using mascara, create a black eye effect around your entire left eye
• With a dull knife, carve the letter “B” backwards into your right cheek. This will be tough; you can probably use a shiny surface to ensure you’re doing it right. Like a side-view mirror on a car.
• When people ask about your costume, tell them that someone forced you to wear this costume because s/he saw a bumper sticker s/he didn’t like on your car.

2. Confused Cell Biologist Who is a Member of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, KS

This is a rather easy one — I apologize if you’ve thought this one out already and/or if you used it last year. But it’s simple, too!  All you have to do is:

• find a megaphone for prolonged shouting
• Wear a lab coat. (Wearing nothing under it? Bonus points for a slutty effect)
• Create a sign that looks like this — and carry it around:

• When people ask you what you’re supposed to be (and believe me — they will), state that you’re a confused cell biologist who is a member of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, KS.  Then grin as if you get the joke and they don’t because they’re inferior to you.

1. Slutty Trig Palin

Yeah. I’ll let you use your imagination for this one.