An Open Letter to Captain Awesome…

Dear Captain Awesome:

I still smile at the nickname I gave you, my brother, when I decided to create a blog name for you that would be quite funny. It’s not that I don’t think that you’re awesome; it’s not even that you don’t think you’re awesome. It’s that you simply wouldn’t be the type of person who would go around self-declaring as “Captain Awesome: Hero charged with spreading awesomeness and curtailing all that is sub-awesome.” The blog never took off, but the nickname stuck. (I should mention that this nickname was in place way, way before it was co-opted to the future brother-in-law on NBC’s “Chuck.”)

Anyway — you’ve been my big brother for a good 36 and a half years now. That’s not an easy feat; you’re the only one who’s been able to do it. And you’ve stuck with it for quite some time, even though I certainly didn’t make it easy on you. (Apparently I was a biter.)  But you were my trusty companion through thick and thin as we were growing up. I remember when you taught me the Periodic Table of the Elements by heart as per Tom Lehrer. I recall the exquisite game we used to play in our family room which involved soccer-like rules but was played with a 70s style sofa and wood paneling as goalposts.  And I remember when you misled me, getting me to listen to “Good Lovin'” by the Young Rascals for the first time by telling me that it was a song by the Meat Puppets.

And although our bond as brothers never ended, I’m writing to recognize the wonderful happenings exactly fifteen years ago today when you got married to a wonderful person whom I shall creatively nickname Captain Outstanding. (This usually raises some questions from friends of mine who often wonder if captains can get married to each other. The answer? Yes.)

I first met Captain Outstanding when she happened to be visiting the DC area on a field trip from the summer camp where you were both working. Maybe I had met her before for a fleeting moment, but this was the first time we really talked. I was impressed that we got along so well after only a few hours! From that point forward it was really nice to see the both of you whenever I could,  and I was overjoyed at your announcement that you two were getting married.

And the wedding itself! Wow — quite wonderful. You made me your best man — a role so memorable and exquisite for me for which I appreciate you. (So much so, in fact, that I decided to pass you over at my wedding and make you neither a best man nor a groomsman.) It was a beautiful ceremony, and I appreciated that you let me sing at it as well.  And, of course, it was also quite memorable the way that I was able to meet Captain Outstanding’s sister for the first time! (I was running around the hotel in a crazy frenzy — and found myself apologizing to a complete stranger in the elevator who was, in fact, sister to the Captain.)  It’s great that you have a two-volume video chronicling the event; I’m waiting to see if you do a special edition remastered DVD with outtakes as an anniversary commemoration.

I’m not sure if you were aware of this at the time, but your wedding came right after a pretty bad breakup for me.  And the wedding, at the time, was just what I needed, or so I believed. Because it gave me a grand opportunity to flirt heavily with many of the guests in attendance who were (a) unrelated to me and (b) under 50. I needed a self-esteem bost and I was granted with an opportunity to have a great time.

Fifteen years later you, my two favorite captains (behind, of course, celebrity captains Picard and Crunch) have a wonderful and vibrant home with three awesome and outstanding children.  For me, it’s never a feeling of obligation to get together with you guys because you’re family. It’s more than that. We get along extremely well. We enjoy hanging out together.  True — we’re a few hours apart and very busy which makes this not happen very often.  But when it does? It often feels that all is right in the world.

So — congratulations on a wonderful fifteen years. I hope you have the opportunity to celebrate it well. And I wish, with 100% of my heart and soul, the best to my sister-in-law, Captain Outstanding. And I wish you well, Captain Awesome, with 99.46% of my heart and soul as well. Because I still think you were a bit of an ass about the whole Meat Puppets disinformation tactic.

Love to you and the family,

— Shiny