List on the 3s: Top Eight Rejected Ideas Shiny Had for New Characters on “Heroes.”

Hi all — This is actually not the Shiny you know and love writing this post. I’m actually Shiny from four years in the future.  I’ve disguised my appearance to look like present-day Shiny, but in reality I have a big scar down on both sides of my face. And I look just like Ali Larter. But I’m not really her.

Anyway — “List on the 3s” is a meme used by Shiny from the inception of this blog until all such lists were deemed immoral and illegal under the iron fist of President Palin in March of 2011. The premise, where Shiny presents a list of something on any date than has a 3 in it, eventually became the base of a mid-season reality show on VH-1 during the writers’ strike of 2010. Hopefully, sometime in the not-so-distant future, these lists will be able to emerge to the surface yet again.

I was doing some Spring cleaning and found this letter received by Shiny from Tim Kring and the folks at Heroes. I would scan it in, but due to strict intellectual property violations due to the Coburn-Lohan Act of 2012, that could cost me a lot of money just to reprint a trademarked logo.

Anyway — here you go. Hopefully I’ve timed this to post exactly eleven minutes after present-day Shiny posted his letter to the NBC Brass…

Dear Mr. Shiny:

Thank you for your recent correspondence with us concerning Heroes. We are always grateful when our fan base chooses to voice is collective opinion.

Regarding your submissions for additional Heroes characters — I’m afraid we’ll have to pass on including them in the show’s cast.  I have detailed our reasons for rejection for each character below.

Thank you — we hope you remain a fan of Heroes and continue to watch every Monday night. Please remember that if you enjoy Heroes at 9, you’ll probably also love Deal or No Deal an hour earlier at 8:00

Regards,

Tim Kring

Top Eight Heroes Characters Suggested by Shiny and Rejected by NBC

8. Jamal Franklin III – “the Pollenator:” He grew up in a tough, working class neighborhood south of Chicago where he played high school football during the fall season. But in springtime? He was often stuck at home with hay fever. Until he realized it was not an ailment, but a gift: he can shoot pollen out of his hands, causing severe allergies for his enemies.

Reason for rejection: Current sponsor Nasonex would likely drop the show.

7. Peter “Parker” Stone: Since he was a young boy, Peter could find every empty parking space within a 50 mile radius. This hasn’t been very helpful as he lives in Laramie, Wyoming where parking is plentiful. And he enjoys biking everywhere. But what if he ever found himself in New York? Opportunities are endless!

Reason for rejection: Premise isn’t “green” enough for Heroes. Perhaps a hero who could promote carpool lanes?

6. Noelle Calabrese, a DMV employee in Evans, Florda, discovered that she was different when she was babysitting the next door neighbor kid when she was sixteen. She determined that, if she willed it with her mind, she could grow facial hair on boys and girls under the age of nine.

Reason for rejection: Creepy. Just creepy.

5. Juliana Nidzviecki can do an absolutely perfect Borat impression. She lives in Turkmenistan where pretty much nobody cares.  But think of the possibilities if she moves to the States!

Reason for rejection: this is just stupid. And potentially litigious.

4. Nolan Harrison can find humor in every episode of According to Jim. Pretty impressive…

Reason for rejection: According to Jim was a valuable property that belonged to a rival network to NBC.

3. Phoebe “Photosynthesis” Baker: She can talk to — and understand — plants.  All types of plants. Ferns. Flowers. Oak trees. Tomato seedlings. Perhaps there could be a “just say no to drugs” very special episode where she has a heated debate with a bong full of marijuana…

Reason for rejection: FOX apparently has a similar series in development.

2. Glenn “The Voice” Lemieux: Glenn has known about his power for a while now — which is that he can imitate any possible voice. Of course he can’t alter his appearance, which means the opportunities to be hero-like are limited.  Glenn spends most of his time as the wacky sidekick on Las Cruces, New Mexico’s “Gary and the Spoon Dude” morning radio show doing impressions of President Bush and Donald Trump.

Reason for Rejection: Comedic effect would take over the show in an undesirable way. This isn’t MadTV.

1. Mordechai Abramovitz, aka “Clothesline Mordy:” A native of Brooklyn, New York, Abramovitz discovered at age 17 that he had a special talent: he can alter the physical appearance of his clothing at will. Need a tuxedo? A bathing suit? All he has to do is think about it and it happens.  However, Abramovitz, a Chassidic Orthodox Jew, really has no use for this as he wears a similar white shirt, black pants, black overcoat and black hat day in and day out.

Reason for rejection: Television audiences are not positively responsive to big, thick beards.