Dateline: September 2, 2008 — 3:45pm
*ring*
Hello?
Hello, Mr. Shiny? This is Ms. Schedule. I’m your son’s Kindergarten teacher.
Ah, yes! How are you? How did the first day of school go for him?
Actually, that’s why I’m calling. We have some things to discuss.
Oh no! How is he? Is he okay? Did anyth…
Relax. He’s fine. He’s in the other room playing with an inordinate amount of Legos.
Thank goodness! I was scared there for a moment! So the day went okay after all…
Mr. Shiny — we need to talk. There are some issues about…
But wait — you said that he’s doing fine?
Mr. Shiny, let me be clear: the problem is you.
Beg…. Beg pardon?
It began when he entered the kindergarten classroom. The shirt he was wearing — pretty obvious that you got it from Target. And khaki cargo shorts? Do you really want his aspirations to reach as far as being a contestant on “Deal or No Deal?”
His clothes? He’s — he’s five!
You know, all the other five year olds had wardrobes from Armani Kids and Brooks Brothers, Too. You can’t start too early caring about your kid’s future…
So this is all about his clothing? I mean, that’s pretty trivial, isn’t it? It’s not as if he’s causing trouble…
He raised his hand and asked if he could go potty today.
So? That’s great, right?
Potty is a word for infants, the proletariat and reality show contestants. We call it the restroom.
He’ll learn. He’s five. FIVE! Were there any other problems?
Not unless you care that he doesn’t eat sandwiches…
Why would I care that he doesn’t eat sandwiches? I mean, we do care. Life would be easier if he were eating sandwiches. But right now? He’s starting a new school. There are a lot of new changes in his life. Why not let him become acclamated to sandwiches when he’s ready?
You know Mozart? He ate sandwiches when he was five. You know what else he did when he was five? He composed The Magic Flute.
Are you saying that we’re stunting our son’s intellectual growth because we’re not pushing him to eat sandwiches?
I’m saying that sometimes you have to think about what’s important in life. Einstein’s parents didn’t give him Finding Nemo snacks; they actually cared about their son’s future. And you need to do the same with Adam.
Adam? Wait — our son’s name is Avi…
Wait — you’re not Adam’s dad?
No. Avi’s Dad. Who is Adam?
Your kid is the goofy looking one with the glasses and all the hair?
Yes! How did he do today?
Oh — total nightmare. He was crying for half of the day. Kicked three teachers. Threw food at lunch. His knowledge of obscenities in five different languages is shocking yet unique. A total monster.
Yikes!
Kid was dressed to the nines, though. He’ll go far in life…
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Eeek…breathe in and out. In and out. Once more. There you go.
I hope Avi’s first day at the new school goes wonderfully and that there are no scenarios even close to the one that you are sort of worried about under all that humor.
Good thoughts coming your way and Avi’s way!
Hillys last blog post..It Could Swallow Her Whole Star Intact…
Ha! Thanks for the laugh, that was terrific. 🙂
Catherines last blog post..No mercy for Redskins
Awww, I hope Avi’s first day of school goes just fine. It’s a big day for all of you. Best wishes!
Completely unrelated… I just wanted to tell you that I can’t wait till you’re my Mindsay pet. I have evil plans in mind! Muawahhahaha.
Thanks to all y’all for the good wishes. It turned out to be a wonderful day for him.
And Dessie: Not as evil as mine!
School is a big thing… for parents. The kids actually LIKE being away from us.
Love that part about the “Deal or No Deal” shirt.
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