Worst Case Scenario…

Dateline: September 2, 2008 — 3:45pm

*ring*

Hello?

Hello, Mr. Shiny? This is Ms. Schedule. I’m your son’s Kindergarten teacher.

Ah, yes! How are you? How did the first day of school go for him?

Actually, that’s why I’m calling. We have some things to discuss.

Oh no! How is he? Is he okay? Did anyth…

Relax. He’s fine. He’s in the other room playing with an inordinate amount of Legos.

Thank goodness! I was scared there for a moment! So the day went okay after all…

Mr. Shiny — we need to talk.  There are some issues about…

But wait — you said that he’s doing fine?

Mr. Shiny, let me be clear: the problem is you.

Beg…. Beg pardon?

It began when he entered the kindergarten classroom.  The shirt he was wearing — pretty obvious that you got it from Target.  And khaki cargo shorts? Do you really want his aspirations to reach as far as being a contestant on “Deal or No Deal?”

His clothes?  He’s — he’s five!

You know, all the other five year olds had wardrobes from Armani Kids and Brooks Brothers, Too. You can’t start too early caring about your kid’s future…

So this is all about his clothing? I mean, that’s pretty trivial, isn’t it?  It’s not as if he’s causing trouble…

He raised his hand and asked if he could go potty today.

So? That’s great, right?

Potty is a word for infants, the proletariat and reality show contestants. We call it the restroom.

He’ll learn.  He’s five. FIVE! Were there any other problems?

Not unless you care that he doesn’t eat sandwiches…

Why would I care that he doesn’t eat sandwiches? I mean, we do care. Life would be easier if he were eating sandwiches. But right now? He’s starting a new school. There are a lot of new changes in his life. Why not let him become acclamated to sandwiches when he’s ready?

You know Mozart? He ate sandwiches when he was five. You know what else he did when he was five? He composed The Magic Flute.

Are you saying that we’re stunting our son’s intellectual growth because we’re not pushing him to eat sandwiches?

I’m saying that sometimes you have to think about what’s important in life. Einstein’s parents didn’t give him Finding Nemo snacks; they actually cared about their son’s future.  And you need to do the same with Adam.

Adam? Wait — our son’s name is Avi…

Wait — you’re not Adam’s dad?

No.  Avi’s Dad.  Who is Adam?

Your kid is the goofy looking one with the glasses and all the hair?

Yes!  How did he do today?

Oh — total nightmare.  He was crying for half of the day. Kicked three teachers. Threw food at lunch. His knowledge of obscenities in five different languages is shocking yet unique. A total monster.

Yikes!

Kid was dressed to the nines, though. He’ll go far in life…