List on the 3s: Top 6 Things On Shiny’s Computer That Make Him Cringe

“List on the 3s” is a list. On the 3s. Or on dates that happen to have the number 3 in them.

Computers are wonderful. The internet is wonderful. Lots of great things have come about because of this connected world. But there are times when you just see something on your computer that just make you want to stand on top of a table and scream.  This post is all about them.

Notice that I won’t talk about the ever-so-popular Blue Screen of Death. It just seems far too obvious. And honestly?  I haven’t seen one of those in quite a while on my Windows XP setup.  (Then again, my #6 entry is somewhat similar, so perhaps I’m not playing fair.)  In any case, I bring you:

Top 6 Things on My Computer That Make Me Cringe

6.

I had worked on Macs before — quite a bit when I was working at two school newspapers at the University of Maryland, and then for an extended period of time in the mid-1990s while I was working at Princeton — a place where the majority of university buildings had Macs. (Keep in mind that Windows 95 had just come out and hadn’t been widely accepted at this point.)  And I would always get extremely tense when I was doing something and this screen came up.

I mean, what does this tell me? A “System Error?” With a 20s-style bomb with a lit fuse attached to it? What did this mean? What is “ID=03?” And why was it that, every time, the “Resume” button was greyed out, if only to taunt me with the prospect of losing all of my unsaved work?

I’ve experienced my share of system crashes in the past two decades. But this one has always been the most infuriating.

5. “We’re sorry; you must use Internet Explorer 5.0 or higher to access this site.”

Here’s the thing: this very, very rarely occurs at home. The only time I see it nowadays is with specific web applications when I’m at work. But I can’t copy any of screenshots from work and put them on my blog because — well, you know. All I can say is that for my company to limit itself to a browser with more insecurities than most others out there is rather silly.

Especially since we’re a division of the company that works with UNIX machines alongside our Windows ones. We can’t run Internet Explorer on the Unix Machines (well, not version 5.0 or higher, at least).  It really becomes quite limiting with some of the integration used.

Fun little anecdote: my company’s IT department audits the Windows machines from time to time, looking for any rogue software that has been instlalled that doesn’t belong. I received a notice that my primary browser (Firefox) and email client (Thunderbird), both Mozilla apps, were being removed because they were not proprietary and were thus a security issue. But Internet Explorer 6.0 got to stay. Irony…

4.

I regret the day that I decided that my default “Wall” on Facebook was good enough for me.  I was pretty sure at the time that it was.

But no. I had to succumb to peer pressure. My “friends” decided that they would escalate by getting “FunWalls” and “Super Walls” and “Little Green Patches.”  And, of course, to keep up with the Joneses I had to do the same thing. Besides — these FunWalls let you use different fonts! And embed videos! What could possibly go wrong?

The answer? Nothing good has come through my FunWall. Sure, there have been videos of people getting punched in the testicles. And one of that lion cub reunited with its two previous owneers. And the Mentos Diet Coke stuff. But I have to go into Facebook every single time to figure out what it is. And you know what? It’s never a personal message to me; it’s something that was passed on by someone else.  It’s this millenium’s idiotic AOL chain-mail warning everyone of the “Good Times” virus.

Regular Wall? Somewhat useful. FunWall? Not so fun. Superwall? Superbad.

3.  My free online pornography has now morphed into a pay site.

You know, this is a pretty hot topic this evening as it was recently discussed on Adam and Britt’s radio show. But the notion of online porn isn’t a new one. It’s something that has been around for quite a while now — I would dare say the better part of the last decade. And with the internet, you know that there’s a lot of content out there!  For me that’s a good thing:  I have a very, very specific taste in what gets me off.  Which is why I frequent one specific porn site most of the time which, lucky for me, has been free.

But that all changed a few days ago:

Can you believe that? What once was the source of sheer bliss at no cost is now a place that won’t let me enjoy the slippery goodness that is smooth, tanned, students in the buff writing dissertations about “The Missing Link” and cultural diversity in their respective world flood stories!  There was one video I kept going back to — a beautiful teaching assistant named Veronica who was stripping  right after her department-assigned office hours had finished!  And now? Unless I want to spend my hard-earned cash, I have to limit myself to the other 999,999 sites out there which don’t charge but which don’t specialize in what I want.

Life sucks.

2.

For those of you not in the know, Karl’s daily tweet about the alleged Jack’s World has nothing to do with a shopping establishment in New York City. It goes far beyond that.

You see, what Karl hasn’t told most people is that he is, indeed, a very spiritual and deeply religious man. Although he does not usually show this special, secret side of him, he belongs to an order of Bratslavian Monks who now dwell near the souther Kyrgyzstan border. Karl has been sent as a missionary to our part of the world to speak the truth among the masses.

The cryptic message which he displays every day is a metaphor. “Jack’s World” signifies the time of an open will of a merciful God, one who answers all prayers for good heath and sustenance for all with no exceptions and, of course, available pornography for all adults worldwide at no cost. Alas, the notion of this time period has not been brought upon us yet, for we as mere mortals have not yet opened this opportunity for the Almighty to bring us this. Hence — the spiritual construct of “Jack’s World” remains “closed.”  And with the gasp of exclamation “Oh no!” — Brother Karl is weeping for us and alongside us as he reminds us of this — hoping that tomorrow will be a brighter day during which the annals of God will deem the World — Jack’s World — a place open to all.

1. AP Stories like this:

Look – I have nothing against prayer. Or low gas prices. Honest. But…

Okay. I can’t even finish this thought. So many things rushing through my head. Please let me know if you’ve thought this over and have determined a rational explanation for it.