I’m back! It was a very lovely weekend away from all things internet, although I missed it greatly. I had brought my laptop for a bit of offline reading (and some movie watching during downtime with a sleeping kid), and it was a weird feeling to have the Wi-Fi detect absolutely zero networks available. With cel phone reception so spotty (and, apparently, Twitter reception as well), I was virtually cut-off from the outside world. Which was a nice change.
We (Avi, socKs and me) spent the weekend at a camp in the Catoctin Mountains in Northern Maryland. We were volunteering as staff for a youth group convention — the very Jewish youth group in which both of us were involved as teens (albeit we lived in different areas). So our time was spent with about 170 high school students and a few dozen other adults. And we had an amazing time. (We’re weird that way.)
While there’s plenty of free time for the kids to hang out, a lot of the four-day convention was structured with activities — including, as always, an informal educational theme. One of my responsibilities was to lead a series of discussions on the topic at hand for a group of about 14 kids, all in eleventh grade. The kids groan and grumble about having to attend these sessions, but they’re great kids in general, and they end up participating enthusastically.
This year our discussions focused around the concept of acceptance within a community — a topic to which the kids really could relate. As with any peer group among teens, this specific youth group has had its share of being seen as exclusive and clique-y, while many who have been involved attest to its openness and inclusiveness. Questions were raised about the nature of the group in general. Historical (Biblical) examples were used regarding making new people feel welcome. Kids even analyzed specific quotes from “Mean Girls” and related them to their own experiences within their communities — whether it was this youth group, school, family, a sports team, or another place in which these kids were involved. It was nice to see different vantage points as these kids came together from different areas in the mid-Atlantic region. They were talking about peer-pressure, acceptance, fitting in, and group dynamics.
On Sunday things got even more serious.
We spent a good deal of time reading an op-ed piece about Megan Meier, the 13 year-old girl who committed suicide in 2007 after allegedly being traumatized through cyber-bullying. It was discovered that the mother of one of Megan’s peers was involved in certain acts of deception which led to the cyber-bullying; she was indicted by a federal jury a few weeks ago.
This struck a chord with many of the kids in my group. It was an interesting conversation to see them have among themselves: almost all of them felt that the events that transpired could have feasibly happened within their own peer groups. They mostly knew how easily a false profile could be invented, but they also said that they would probably feel betrayed if they were duped by someone masquerading as someone else online. (Most of these kids, by the way, have opted to be on Facebook rather than MySpace — some of them mentioned feeling more comfortable with more privacy options on Facebook.)
When I mentioned that charges had been brought against the mother of one of Megan’s peers, almost everyone demanded to know why the other kids weren’t punished for their roles in the bullying. They held these kids responsible for Megan’s final actions which resulted in her death.
I didn’t want this to turn into a lengthy legal discussion with the kids (especially since I’m not a lawyer) but rather one of ethics and responsibility. We discussed how easy it can be to look at a bullying situation and sit idly by rather than stand up and attempt to do the right thing. I don’t know if our discussion prompted any action by these kids, but I’m pretty sure that, if faced with a similar situation, it will bring them our of their comfort zones for a bit. Maybe that will affect change.
I didn’t discuss my own feelings about the case. I’m furious that a parent would feel justified to be party to such actions alongside her daughter for the sole purpose of demeaning another child. However, I don’t think she was responsible for Megan’s death.
In fact, I strongly believe that Megan was the only one truly responsible for her own death in this case. Call me barbaric; it’s just how I feel.
Do I condone the actions of her peers and the sick, sick adult who bullied her? No. Not in the least. I also don’t feel that it was as easy as her just wearing a thick skin and ignoring the scathing messages hurled her way. For any of us who have survived bullying based on any of our qualities being different, we know that words hurt. And that people can be extremely cruel without realizing how much pain can be inflicted. And we all have had our own coping methods — some of which are social acceptable and some of which aren’t.
The events were cruel to Megan. As I mentioned to my discussion group in a toungue-in-cheek manner, perhaps she took this rather had because she was the one, unique 13-year old girl with body-image issues. But she made a decision — albeit an impulsive one — after a screaming match with her parents about what had transpired on MySpace.
Blaming her death on a malicious adult who participated in a sick joke would be as justified as blaming Megan’s parents for leaving her alone in her room while she was so upset. Nobody expected the suicide to happen. Nobody wanted it to happen. If there was a way for any of the players involved to change something — anything — about what transpired, I’m sure s/he would have done so.
It’s a controversial opinion regarding a controversial issue. And I’m glad I was able to get these kids to think about it.
What do you think?
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This happened in my area, so it’s on the news a lot. I agree with you. No one can cause anyone to commit suicide. Obviously that woman’s actions were reprehinsible, petty, and disgusting, but when it comes down to it, suicide is about one person. I can’t imagine the guilt her parents must feel. I don’t think it’s their fault, though.
Amandas last blog post..Where I Fall
Bullying with tragic consequences is nothing new. It’s just moved to a new medium. It’s a society problem, not a cyber-problem… but so long as blame keeps getting shifted, nothing is ever going to be solved. Kids are said to be too young to be responsible, yet parents argue they can’t be responsible for their kids.
Dave2s last blog post..Reaction
I know we’ve discussed this but I’ll put it here anyway, just because…
I absolutely hate the fact that I can legally argue that neither that woman nor the mean spirited kids are responsible for this (legally). If a person commits suicide, that decision is made solely by said person. However, with that said, I am disgusted with the behavior of that woman and feel that morally, they all have their own beds to lie/lay in.
So tragic and unnecessary. I am glad you got to have an open discussion about this with the kids though…that part is good.
Hillys last blog post..Someone’s Standing In My Way! Oh Wait, It’s Me….
This whole thing makes me angry. It makes me angry that an adult knew what was going and did try to stop the kids and actively took part in it. What was she thinking?
Suicide breaks my heart. It really does. Why this girl didn’t feel she could talk to someone about this makes me so sad. It’s finding the courage to start the dialogue that’s the hard part. Do I think this little girl made the wrong decision? Yes. Do I think the kids hold some responsibility for pushing to the edge? Yes. I do.
I think we, as a society, need to take steps to ensure our kids feel nurtured and supported by the adults around, even if things aren’t going so well at school. We need to talk to our kids.
Nats last blog post..Of spores and snot
This story is yet another sad, tragic example of how sad, tragic events can overshadow and dilute common sense.
Yes, it is tragic and I feel for the parents and for the girl and for every parent out there who feels for them as well. I cannot begin to imagine the emotional pain I would feel if my kid chose suicide over dealing with mean people.
But (and there’s always a ‘but’ in a controversy) this kind of story masks the underlying issue, and that is personal accountability. Piece by piece, our society and legislature are finding ways to prove that people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
If someone chooses to off themselves, it’s on them, period.
whalls last blog post..Stuff you don’t want to MISC, #48
I have 4 kids and I can’t imagine ever doing what that woman did to any of their peers. I’m not sure what makes a person feel that is ok. Ever. But then again, I am more of a helper type of person, and wouldn’t ever decide to make someone feel bad about anything. I’d probably go to the kid and help them feel better about themselves or something.
All that being said, I completely agree with Hilly on this issue. It sucks that I feel this is true, but how in the world can you hold her responsible for the girl’s tragic death. I don’t feel you can. I feel awful that the girl felt this was her only choice, obviously, but it was still HER choice.
If ever found out my kids were picking on someone or bullying someone, I would kill them. Not literally, but they would probably wish it was literal after I got done punishing them. That stuff doesn’t fly with me. Words hurt, and it isn’t ok. Hopefully that message is getting ingrained in their heads enough that I won’t ever have to deal with it from them.
radioactive girl toris last blog post..I’d Like S’more Weekend Please
I honestly feel like no, they aren’t responsible for someone’s suicide. However…if you were to invent a fake identity for the purpose of getting information from someone, that would be fraud. If you were to bully them in person or by mail or using some other medium, that would be harassment.
Why should it be any different when it’s online? I think the focus here has been too much on the fact that the girl committed suicide. Yes, it’s tragic. I’ve had close friends who’ve attempted suicide in the past, and it’s a terrifying thing. But to me the biggest question is: why did something this drastic have to happen before cyber bullying could become widely acknowledged? We’ve all experienced it at some point or other, and I personally think it should be as much a crime to viciously attack someone online as it would be to stand on the street and yell insults at them.
Phew. Talk about opening up a can of worms, Shiny! But that’s my two cents on the issue.
I teach classes about internet safety and cyber-bullying and like others have said, it’s just the same playground B.S. taken to the Internet. In my area, over 50 percent of middle school counselor’s case loads deal with cyber-bullying issues. YouTube videos are showing up daily, MySpace and Facebook slut lists (still trying to figure out how I get on those)are popping up weekly – the kids are tech savvy and most of their parents are clueless as to what goes on in their own homes. Give a child a computer in his or her bedroom and it opens a world of opportunity, both positive and negative – there is little to no monitoring going on. Educating parents and talking to our students/children is key. Your talk with the kids will stick with them forever.
As for Megan’s case – I’m very familiar with all of the details due to a training hosted by the US attorney’s office that I attended – Tragic, yes. More tragic – the fact that a parent is so up in her daughter’s shit that she would even consider being involved in deceptive games with another child…is sickening. I’m finding peace in believing that she will never be able to escape her own mental anguish in knowing how stupid it was to take part in such reindeer games. The responsible route would have been to bring everyone together for discussion, but that is too easy.
I can’t help but wonder what that horrid woman was thinking when she did those things. I’d love to punch her right in the face…
That being said, what transpired cannot have been the only thing that led to Megan’s suicide. There were other issues there to begin with. And many people go through far worse and don’t kill themselves. So, unfortunately, this shithead mother is not responsible for Megan’s death. Legally. Morally… well, she’ll have to deal with her maker eventually.
Finns last blog post..Have You Ever…
if there was justice i would be permitted in a dark room with a baseball bat and that parent who was bullying a 13 year old girl. but should the law punish her? no. sadly, the only one who can be held responsilbe for the suicide is megan herself. the entire situation is truly awful in so many ways.
although it reminds me why a jury of peers is necessary.
hello haha narfs last blog post..How Bizarre
It’s a horrible, horrible thing that happened to Megan, but I think I would have to agree with you. It’s hard to hold that parent responsible even though what she did was absolutely reprehensible. Maybe find some other way to punish her through community service where she counsels on how what she did was bad or lead a group of people trying to reform their ways and habits. But jailtime is going to do nothing but rob her own kids of a mother.
kapgars last blog post..You come from out of nowhere…
I have to agree that bullying is horrible and that ‘cyber’ is just a new venue.
The saddest part is that the so called ‘adult’ likely will not suffer mental anguish over what happened –she doesn’t have that much empathy.
turnbabys last blog post..Half Nekkid Thursday Edition No. 11
I too question the legal validity of the criminal charges brought against this woman. I am concerned that this…and other situations…will cause a series of laws that will ultimately violate some of our freedoms.
Having said that…I do believe Megan’s family has a CIVIL claim on this woman…which I hope they pursue to the fullest extent of the law.
In addition to Megans family and friends…I have to extend grace to the young girl who has experienced her mother acting with these consequences…on her behalf….what a heavy burden.
katherine.s last blog post..sword or shovel……blade as spade
To all: Thank you very much for all of your replies. I’ve been delinquent in making my rounds to each and every comment and responding to it, and I think part of it has to do with the subject matter of this specific post.
If I’ve learned anything from blogging this specific experience (that is — my thoughts about the reactions of the kids with whom I spent that weekend), it’s that I have a highly intelligent bunch of readers who (a) can critically analyze complex situations; and (b) are familiar with the legal aspects of such issues. It’s also apparent that you guys are compassionate and caring about those who have been wronged.
So — consider this a non-response response, I guess. Thank you for all of your comments. My blog is certainly a wiser place because of you all.
– S
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