“List on the 3s:” Top 9 Movies That Shiny Is A Complete Tool For Not (Yet) Seeing

“List on the 3s” is my feature which occurs on dates which contain the number 3, such as, for instance, May 13. They occur just about every ten days except for when they don’t. Like May 30, May 31 and June 3. That’s going to be tricky. But that’s, like, weeks away! We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

But first — some unfinished business about my Shiny Stakeout: Identify Those Header Pictures Contest:

The deadline was today. And, thus far, one person has entered. One. And this is even after I mentioned that I’m offering a prize of a brand-spankin’ new pocket-kite! That’s just sad. And I’m really internalizing this sense of failure I feel that nobody else wants to play. I mean, it’s a game! Games are fun, right? And with the direction that oil prices are taking, I have a strong suspicion that mini-kites will be one of the more popular modes of transportation in the latter part of this century!

That notwithstanding — still. Just. One. Entry.

So — I’m changing the rules around:

* I’m extending the deadline. Get those entries in by 11:59pm EDT on Friday, May 16. (That happens to be my brother’s birthday. And Liberace’s.) If you want to add to your previous entry, feel free. This will give more people a chance to play.

* I’m sweetening the pot. This is not a veiled reference to Woody Harrelson. In addition to the pocket kite I will send to the winner, I will also present, in a special vlogged entry, a rhyming poem using the winner’s name. Hell, I may even put it to music! I’ll even make it obscene and tasteless if you so desire.

Are we good now? Does this make you want to play? Please consider it and hop on over to here.

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There. Now that we have that settled, let’s talk about the list:

I’m a movie buff. I love all sorts of movies. Can’t get enough of them. Let’s face it: I’m good at sitting on my butt, eating popcorn and criticizing Charlie Sheen. What isn’t to love? And there are many movies – both critically acclaimed and commercial successes which I love. You may already know that I’m a huge Kevin Smith fan. That I’m intrigued by anything with John Cusack. I even like some older films — Danny Kaye’s The Court Jester is one of my favorites.

Being a movie-watcher, however, has its shameful secrets. In fact, once I publish this list I expect I’ll be thrown out of the secret siblinghood that is made up of movie aficionados. You may be shocked and angered by the fact that I’ve watched movies like “Bio-Dome” and “Hudson Hawk” but have never viewed the films on this list. I apologize to no one. But yeah — I really should get around to watching some (not all) of these.

Here we go:

9. True Romance (1993)

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To be perfectly honest, I still don’t really know what this movie is about. What I do know is that a lot of my friends swear by this movie for some reason. Perhaps I should find out why…

8. The Second Star Wars Trilogy Which Is Really The First Trilogy Chronologically (1999-2005)

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I remember seeing the first two of the original trilogy on video, and then was excited enough that I was able to see “Return of the Jedi” in the theater. And watching little Ewoks save the day and pretty much ruin the movie. The second trilogy? I just really never had enough interest. Give me Star Trek any day over Star Wars. That’s how my nerdy self rolls.

7. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

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Look — I have nothing against this movie. In fact, it seems like a powerful one which brought Capra ahead of his time. But I don’t have to see it because every single television show has parodied this in some way. I have seen the ending of it where George Bailey goes ga-ga for Christmas. And some angel gets its wings because of a bell. Something like that.

Remember all of the hoopla when they decided to show a colorized version of the film? I was going to see it then. Now that it’s black and white again? Naah.

6. Rocky Horror Picture Show (In the theater)

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I have no idea how I missed the hype in high school. I would have blamed it on being such a total nerd, but all of the total nerds were doning fishnets and going to the midnight showings also. Where was I? Your guess is as good as mine…

socKs, however, was one of those cool nerds who would go and go often. And she had the book. The soundtrack. Even the VHS tape! So, one night in December of 2000 when she was out of town, I decided to join the masses and buy a DVD player. With it I rented one DVD (Fight Club) and bought one DVD (Rocky Horror). I even watched it a bit with the audience commentary. (Asshole!) I may have been too sober or too alone to enjoy it. But I still know all the words to the Time Warp. (Thanks, high school dances!)

5. Monster’s Ball (2001)

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This looks like a really good movie with a stellar cast. The story is powerful. The dialogue — amazing. It was a critical hit which produced Oscars.

So — what haven’t I watched it? Six words: I. Can’t. Fucking. Stand. Halle. Berry.

Don’t get me wrong — she may be beautiful. She may even have talent. But if she and I were at the same dinner table I’d likely stab myself in the neck with a fork. Some things just aren’t meant to be…

4. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (2001-2003)

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I have the same desire to see the Star Wars Prequel trilogy as I do the Middle Earth trilogy. Which is none at all. I’ve heard that these are some of the best works of cinematographic art ever. But I’ve never been into the Tolkien books. In fact, I remember being in fourth grade and seeing a filmstrip version of “The Hobbit” where the tape recorder made everything sound so distorted that I couldn’t follow it. And the filmstrip projector was out of focus.

Want to know how I feel about Lord of the Rings? See the clip above. That’s how the movies would all sound to me…

3. Saving Private Ryan (1998)

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(The link above is to “Saving Ryan’s Privates.” Which has embedding disabled on YouTube.)

Apparently this is a film that changes lives. Yet it has Tom Sizemore in a sad, serious role. That just makes my head hurt.

2. The Godfather and The Godfather: Part II (1972-1974)

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This one will enrage people. I know I should watch these two films. I understand that. I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. Please don’t break my legs.

(For what it’s worth, I think I deserve some merit for not having watched Part III either…)

1. Billy Madison

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I’m not a huge Adam Sandler fan. But I’ve watched “Happy Gilmore” and “Big Daddy” and even “Little Nicky” and thought they were cute. But apparently this is the first one where Adam Sandler’s one single character emerges. This is the legendary one. This movie and I have history — I’ve tried to watch it three times — and each time something pressing came up and I had to stop watching in the first few minutes.

Someday…

Okay — which films are on your lists?