Horoscopes are Crap.

I turned 36 today. So — yes. I’m gonna bitch about the birthday thing.

I never really understood the obsession with people’s personalities being aligned with astrological forces just because they were born on a specific date regardless of the time zone. According to many, I’m a “Taurus,” and I’m also “on the cusp.” Thus — my personality has been defined for me. As is the personality of anyone else born on this day. Hey — don’t blame me! It’s in the stars!

Here’s an excerpt from today’s Horoscope column in the New York Daily News:

If it’s your birthday: Happy birthday, Taurus! Known for your reliability and stamina, you are outgoing, which makes it easy for those in affluent circles to have confidence in your abilities. This year, life will dramatically improve in the professional arena; it is a time to build or rebuild your fortune. Financial prosperity is highlighted – go after an inner dream, no matter how big. Magic moments are in store.

Reliable? Hardly. I haven’t done a “Shiny Talks Too Much” BlogTalkRadio show in weeks! Stamina? Let’s just say that my sexual prowess rivals most microwave ovens in knowing when the meat is done. And “rebuilding one’s fortune? Really? Have you turned to the business section lately?

The thing that intrigues me about this is that everyone with a birthday today gets the same profile. Everyone. James McEvoy. Andie MacDowell. Jeff Anderson (Randall from “Clerks”). Even Queen Elizabeth II. They all were born on April 21, and thus they all share the same profile.

Wait — if that’s the case, shouldn’t I be able to measure my personality from other who share my birthday? Shouldn’t, in essence, the star of “Atonement” feel the desire to do makeup commercials? Shouldn’t Her Royal Highness be inclined towards hermaphroditic porn? It should only make sense…

I decided to take two celebrities who share my birthday and create a scale to measure my personality. I’m certain I must lie somewhere between these two extremes:

(Give it some time to load. And if the animation stopped, just refresh the whole thing.)

Look – we all know that Iggy Pop and Tony Danza are, in essence, almost exactly the same. But there must be certain differences which fine-tune the essence of identity. I came up with the following questions:

(1) When you think of “real wild child,” do you get an image of (a) a hot, barely legal vixen about to knock the boots, or (b) your daughter Samantha spilling grape juice on the couch again?

(2) If you met Danny DeVito in person, would you (a) reminisce about your sitcom days together, or (b) vomit on him onstage?

(3) What do you think of when you hear the word “boxers?” (a) “Hey! I was one of those!” or (b) “Fuck that shit. Look at my penis!”

(4) Which of these quotes about Katherine Helmond do you tend to agree with more? (a) “It was a pleasure working with her. She raised the bar on our show by bringing her wit and style into the mix.” or (b) “That Grade A cunt was always backstage begging for it.”

(5) Quick – first thing you think of when someone mentions Royal Carribean Cruise Lines: (a) “Those ads with my song in it have made me millions!” or (b) “I’m waiting to hear back from their talent department about playing Tevye in their shipside production of Fiddler on the Roof. Fingers crossed!”

(6) Which one? (a) “Candy, Candy, Candy, Candy Candy…” or (b) “Angela! Angela! Angela! Angela! Angela!”

Wow — I really should make this into an online meme or something. I could provide a service to people across the world born on April 21! The point, however, is that we’re all basically the same when it all boils down. We all will be searching for fortune this year, I suppose. We’re all extroverted and chock full of stamina. Does it really make sense for us to categorize ourselves rather than stand united astrologically?

Well, kind of…

You are 67% Iggy Pop! Where do you fall on the Tony Danza / Iggy Pop Spectrum? Find out at shinystakeout.com.