(If you’re an avid reader of the blog of my wife, socKs, you may have seen her most recent blog post about our experiences this evening at a specific restaurant. Here’s a letter I’m writing to them, although, due to my fear of a litigious online world, I’m going to mask their real name and go with an alias instead.
Dear “TGI Expensive, Uncreative and Bland’s”:
We used to be such good friends. What happened? Where did our love go?
You used to be a wild fling in college. An upscale establishment in the early ’90s — at least upscale enough for us poor college students. Yet you were somewhat affordable. And you were only a five minute drive away from campus — any campus we would happen to be at at the time. Your fettucine alfredo was beyond satisfactory. Your spinach dip was great when shared with a round of beers and funky neon-blue alcohol.
That was you fifteen years ago. I know we’ve all aged. But you’ve changed.
Well, you still look pretty much the same. The trademark red and white stripes are still there. Some of the fonts have changed. yet you still manage to fill your walls with replicas of road signs from the 1950s, giving the restaurant that “down in the unfinished basement” feel to it. But your personality is different. Perhaps it’s due to living a cold life through tough economic times that hurt you so greatly. That will harden anyone’s heart. How I yearn for your younger days…
Remember when you had frequent diners’ points? When my girlfriend (now wife) were dating beginning in 1996, we would enjoy our experiences with you. And when it was time to pay the check, we would present our card to get “points.” Hell – our entire wedding party went to your establishment in Boca Raton — and we seriously cleaned up on points then as well! Eventually the points fell into disuse, but we were proud of the fact that we got up to about 65,000 of them – which was about 74% of one round-trip airline ticket to anywhere in the Continental USA.
Even in our honeymoon years we would make you part of our lives — although we didn’t eat out nearly as often, you would still be a special treat for us. Hell — we even visited your establishment when we were in Berlin in 2000 for the points! And we knew it was well-established fare that we could enjoy.
But somewhere along the way, you changed. I think the font went first. And, perhaps, a management style.
TGI Expensive, Uncreative and Bland’s, you started changing your menu around quite a bit. Gone were the basic (and less costly) menu items like fettucine alfredo. You decided that your answer to everything was adding steak marinated in Jack Daniels. Which may be appetizing for many, but isn’t quite the cup of tea for this vegetarian. But the menus were spectacular looking! The “Jack and Brownie Fudge Steak Sundae” may not have sold as much, but the pictures were beautiful.
And now? Well — let me tell you how you jilted my family and me today:
We decided that this would be a wonderful day to go out to dinner as a treat for our five year old son. He’s a relatively picky eater, but the past several times he was greeted at your doors he could enjoy something he loved: a plain cheese quesadilla. No sour cream, no chives, no bacon, no steak. Just a cheese quesadilla. We, his parents, would choose other menu items. It was a simple plan that worked at least the past seven times we’ve been there over the past 18 months or so.
This wasn’t on the menu, unfortunately. If our son wanted a “double-stuffed quesadilla” which included.. well, stuff most likely soaked in Jack Daniels, they could accommodate. But a regular quesadilla? Apparently not.
We were thrown for a curve here. We knew that the restaurant changes around its menu a lot. But changing it around so much that melted cheese in a tortilla was too great a feat?
Our server explained: the way they do it now at TGI EUB’s is a smidge different: The quesadillas come pre-made from the TGI Kitchen Headquarters. Frozen. All the cook needs to do is warm it up, and — presto! pre-fab double stuffed quesadillas! You know those TGI EUB’s branded frozen appetizers at the supermarket? Same general idea. It’s like having an American family restaurant meal with food made out of Ikea furniture. It probably saves them a lot of money not having to hire chefs. All they really need are people who can operate a microwave oven at a middle school level.
Oh — and the items remain quite expensive.
So — we were told (after she confronted the cook and her manager) that no, a plain cheese quesadilla couldn’t be done. Apparently these hadn’t been pre-fabbed in a freezer truck for TGI consumption. What is this, the former Soviet Union? Is TGI EUB’s simply the next punchline of a fairly lukewarm Yaakov Smirnoff joke?
You’ve changed, TGI Expensive, Uncreative and Bland. You’ve really changed. You put that picture of the ugly-ass platinum blonde guy from the Food Network on all of your menus to demonstrate how sophisticated your food is. He’s a TV Personality. It’s the rational equivalent of putting a picture of Dr. House in the waiting room of a hospital. You’ve sacrificed good food for image, and that’s simply not cool. We decided to leave your establishment without eating, and we don’t think we’ll be back.
But you don’t care. You’ll have plenty of suckers as your clientèle. And that’s something likely won’t change. And it makes my blood boil.
TGI Expensive, Uncreative and Bland, I’d really like you to suck my balls. Go ahead. I insist.
You can even slather them with Jack Daniels first.
Your former lover and customer,
— Shiny
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8 users responded in this post
I actually like Friday’s because of the ever-changing menu, but I can see where it would be a problem with a picky child. My boyfriend loves their jack daniels stuff, but I think it’s gross.
Amanda’s last blog post..I’m Gonna Need My Own Zipcode
I used to like them too. Now, they are just like Dave & Buster’s without the games, with the same JD stuff, and the same noise level. It’s Claim Jumper and El Torito for me now.
Winter’s last blog post..Loves Fab’s Fisting and Matt’s Meat
Yeah, I’m with you. Used to really dig Fridays but they’ve gone downhill. Restaurants that are constantly changing their menus irritate me. When I find something I like, I expect to find it on the menu every time. Instead, I often comment, “Huh, another new menu. Again.”
Karl’s last blog post..100 Things About Karl, Part Three
I used to like Fridays too – even when I worked there in my younger days! But I can’t say I feel the same about it now.
And PS: I really love your writing Shiny. 🙂
My son’s girlfriend works there and she can’t stand it either!
I hate the Jack Daniels and all the Southwest stuff. I guess that’s why I’ve only been there twice!
Metalmom’s last blog post..That’s A Wrap
Friday’s and I stopped sleeping together a couple decades ago. I hate to tell you Shiny, but you were just getting my sloppy seconds of Fettucine Alfredo. And I’m kinda freaky, so there’s a good chance my balls were in it.
othurme’s last blog post..So, If You Already Didn’t Think My Blog Sucks…
*gasps* My jaw’s still hanging after reading that third to last line! Wow…sounds like this place holds some major memories for you and socKs! Doesn’t it really bite the big one when you these kind of things happen? Talk about a major downer!
Amanda: I wonder whose idea it was to douse food in alcohol to make it appeal to the gourmands and — well, the alcoholics among us. I certainly don’t mind Jack Daniels in a glass, but really: does it really enhahce the flavor of a steak? Pasta? Spinach artichoke dip?
Winter: They don’t have “Claim Jumper” in our part of the country. Actually, I first read it as “Clam Jumper,” which made me think of it as a seafood restaurant. (Or, in my college days, as a potential nickname for how promiscuous I was!) “Claim Jumper,” however, makes it sound less like a restaurant and more like an ensurance scam…
I do like El Torito. Haven’t been in a couple years…
Karl: You’re not alone. I would assume their marketing staff would have picked up on this by now. But in my conversation with the acting manager of the restaurant on Thursday, he told me to call corporate because “some stuff which got taken off the menu is back on the menu now!” Whatever. Tally the orders and see what people are ordering. Give ’em what they want.
Melanie: Thanks. You rule. 🙂 And you should come up this way so we all can collectively not go to Fridays together.
MetalMom: You see — when did they decide to shift to the Southwest thing? Wasn’t this supposed to be the “All American” restaurant? Another bad marketing decision…
othurme: I’ll forever cherish these four words after you told me that: rich, garlic cream sauce. Yummers…
Shiny: That it does! Guess we’ll need to make memories elsewhere…
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