“List on the 3s:” Top 8 Songs Which Should Not Ever Be Remade

I’m going to try something funky: On every calendar day which has the number 3 in it (such as, for example, April 3), I’ll be producing some kind of original list as a blog entry. I chose the number 3 because it appears anywhere between 3 to 5 times a month, which will hopefully keep this idea fresh. Will it continue on April 13th? Guess we’ll have to wait and see…

Today’s List: Last week on Jester’s radio show we somehow got on the topic of who would be on my quintessential list of male celebrities for whom I would “switch teams,” per se. You know what I’m talking about: The men who are so appealing that I might actually their company over the company of women should I get a chance. It’s an exciting prospect psychologically and physiologically, isn’t it? And I’m sure it’s a list that many of you have as well.

We’re going to save that list for another time. Sorry, kids…

List #1: Top Eight Songs Which Really Don’t Need to Be Covered by Another Artist, Thank You

This past weekend, our local “world class music” radio station, 94.7 The Globe (a CBS/Infinity station), had what they call an “Under the Covers” weekend. That means that they played only cover songs the entire weekend long — something you don’t hear often on the radio. Good for them! It was fun listening to it all. We noticed a lot of Beatles. (No surprise there.) Some of these covers were wonderful, some not as much. Some of the covers were more popular than the originals. I’ve followed the “cover song” genre for quite a while; one of my favorite podcats of late has been Coverville. I could name you a lot of great cover songs — some of which are almost identical to the originals, and some which deviate in such a creative way. But that’s also another list for another day.

There are, however, some songs that should not, under any circumstance, be remade. (And chances are some of them already have been remade. If this is the case, someone seriously needs to invent time travel and stop the atrocity from occurring.) These are not necessarily bad songs (although some are); they’re just songs that would be ruined with a cover version.

Ready? Set…

8. Wild Wild West – The Escape Club

For some reason, I still really like this song. It’s so bad that it’s good. I remember the controversy of the line advocating to “Gimme gimme safe sex.” It just has that sound to it that can’t be replicated. Perhaps that’s a good thing…

7. Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

The best redeeming quality of this song is seeing a modern-day Mark Wahlberg blush whenever this song comes on. Albeit the outtakes from his movie “Rock Star” which had him dressed up in heavy metal garb dancing to it. Marky Mark? Yes. Anyone else? No.

6. Macarena – Los del Rio

(I refuse to post an iMeem or a YouTube video on this one.)

Actually, this one would probably be more difficult to cover than most others. What people don’t realize is that the annoying slutty girl rapping is actually most of the song. And people don’t want to hear that.

5.Naughty Naughty – John Parr

Remember John Parr? Don’t feel bad; you’re in line with most people. He performed “Theme To St. Elmo’s Fire (Man in Motion),” which, coincidentally, was the theme to the brat pack film St. Elmo’s Fire. (No. Not the Love Theme to St. Elmo’s Fire by David Foster, that instrumental thing that we all used to slow dance to. The main theme. The one that people usually forge… anyway…) A few years before St. Elmo’s he had a hit with “Naughty Naughty.” The song was catchy enough to make me want to buy a synthesizer/sequencer. Just because of a dumb intro. The song also fits in the “So bad it’s good” category. But nobody can quite do it like Mr. Parr.

4. Everybody Have Fun Tonight – Wang Chung

One of the clues here is that the chorus contains the name of the band performing. That makes it an instantaneous punchline if, say, Maroon 5 does a cover. Besides — what would the song be without the video?

3. We Didn’t Start The Fire – Billy Joel

Shiny’s Rule #56 — If your 11th grade history teacher brings a popular song and comments on “how lovely it is — and so educational!” — Thou Shalt Not Cover.

2. Jump – Kriss Kross

The power of two young boys who can make people (and cars) jump in the air just by wearing their clothes backwards is non-transferable. This one also has the names of the performers in the song, making it a tough sell as a cover. The lyrics may have had meaning in 1991, but nowadays the sentiments included within simply aren’t true:

Some of them try to rhyme, but they can’t rhyme like this.
Some of them try to rhyme, but they can’t rhyme like this.
Some of them try to rhyme, but they can’t rhyme like this.
Some of them try to rhyme — but they can’t!

Kriss Kross would have never known about the great Rhyming Curriculum Advancement Act of 1997 which, at that time, allowed the opportunity for countless, many more people who try to rhyme to actually rhyme like this. Such sentiments in a song are now obsolete — a tribute to a darker time.

1. That’s What Friends Are For – Dionne Warwick and Friends

Technically this song has been performed by many different acts throughout the years. But I don’t think it’s even been re-recorded.

EDIT: Apparently a rare cover version of this song turned up at the 1993 Bar Mitzvah party of a kid named Seth:

That should be substantiation enough.

So — what songs did I miss?