Brotherly SPAM…

I need to finalize our plans for the Passover Seders in April. This year, like most other years, I’m hoping that we’ll trek on up to my brother’s place in New Jersey. He’s a rabbi at a synagogue up there which holds a community-wide Seder which we’ve been a part of for several years. And he also has one for close family on the first night.

This year I had to raise the bar a bit — it can be awkward inviting yourself over to someone else’s home, even if it’s your brother. A quick email or phone call could do the trick. But no. I wanted it to be more memorable.

So — I created a challenge: Send an email to my brother inviting myself (and my family) to his place. But do it in the style of a Nigerian 419 Scam email.

And it goes a little something like this:

FROM HON. SHINY J. SHINY

PRAISE GOD THE MOST BENEVOLENT.

Dear in the Lord, Peace be unto you all Rabbi XXXXXXX and your praiseworthy family. I am the above named person from Virginia. I am married to Duchess the Socks originally of Florida, USA and am the descendant of the Late Crown Prince Assassa ibn Hajj-d’Shiny Kareet Late of blessed memory who worked with Qatar embassy in Riyyadh for nine years before he died in the year 2000. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we were all very devoted members of the Walkers across the Red Sea. Since his death I too have been battling with both stomach and bowel problems.When my late ancestor was alive he deposited the sum of$23.7Million (Twenty Three Million Seven hundred thousand U.S. Dollars) with a Finance&Security Company. Presently, this money is still with the Security Company. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have a limited time to live on earth due to my mortality. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I am decided to donate this fund to either a religious organisation or devoted fellow walker of the Red Sea individual that will utilize this money the way I am
going to instruct here-in. I want this morality organisation or individual to use this money in all sincererityto fund synagogues, orphanages,widows and also propagating the word of GOD and to ensure that the society upholds the views and beliefs of the holy Bibleand Harold Kushner the author. The holy Bible emphasized so much on GOD’S benevolence and this has encouraged me to take this bold step, and Kushner comforted me in the time of needs. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money except for my son the Hon. ibn Shiny who will not need it as he plans to be a very rock star; and my wife relatives are Floridians and I don’t want my ancestor’s hard earned money to be misused in a way that it would glorify the worship of palms trees. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an unholy manner. Hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I know that after death I will be with GOD the most beneficient and the most merciful. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health and of the present of my wife and child around me always. I don’t want them to know about this develop
ment. Also a lack of cel phone minutes. With GOD all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Security Company. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the original- beneficiary of this fund. All that I do asks of you is for a small remittance of either $1800 US for financial costs for administration of the monies. This is a small prices to pay for the fortune that I want to give to you as a morals person. If this is not possible then I would want remttance of payment as an attendance at the ceremony of the Walkers of the Red Sea as they partake in the Unleavened Cakes and Plants of Extreme Bitterness. We would like to be your guests at your honorable tables on the first night and then partake of a community-wide festival of the second evening within a place of worship. I want you and your community where you reside to always pray for me. My happiness is that I lived a life of a true devoted individuals worthy of emulation. Whoever that wants toserve the LORD must serve him in truth and in fairness. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a different organisations or a devoted other persob for this same purpose. Until I hear from you, my dreams will restsquarely on your shoulders.May the almighty GOD continue to guide and protect you.

Regards,

THE HON. MR. SHINY J SHINY Virgin

ia USA

The joke, however, was on me: I sent this both to his personal Gmail account as well as to his work account.

I received an immediate reply from his work email postmaster: the message had been marked as SPAM and was not delivered.  I haven’t checked with him on the GMail one — I’m sure his junk folder took care of it.

Maybe I’ll have to resort to just picking up the phone…